why is HE in HERE? part 1

"Twilight was giving way to darkness. Milky moonlight filtered through the tangled canopy of trees. The air was cool, humid. The only sound was that of the cicadas and crickets calling out to one another. I could feel the damp, forest ground beneath my bare feet. The night air perfumed perfectly with a blend of earth and flower. It was peaceful. But i was terrified. For no other reason than that i was naked. In the distance, i heard a car crunching its way down the gravel road winding its way through the wood. Its headlights flickered through the branches,a beam landing on my body, clearly illuminating the contours of my breasts, the indent of my waist, the flare of my hips, the slope of my mons. All obviously female. I ran. Sprinting, tripping over roots and logs; scratching my arms and face on twigs and low-hanging vines. I encountered a set of stone stairs and scrambled up using feet and hands; cutting myself on the sharp rock. I could still see the lights from the car behind me, catching me up fast. Fear pounded in my chest, i heard the blood rushing though my body. At the top of the stairs i could see a clearing not to far away, a clearing where the moonlight bathed everything in a shimmering glow. I tore towards the clearing, looking over my shoulder at the speeding car. As i neared the clearing, however, i slowed down until i was tiptoeing towards the glow. Reaching the edge of the clearing i stopped; placing one foot into the glow of the moon. The fear caught  in my throat vanished. In its place, excitement, confidence, hope. I stepped fully into the moonlight and glanced down at my body. My breasts melted away to flat, muscular pectorals, hips smoothed out as if sanded down. Detailed abdominal muscles formed where softer belly had been. My body became a straight line from shoulder to thigh. Jeans hung loosely from my slender hips. I burst into the clearing, no car in sight, wondering what the sun would feel like on my naked chest. I felt Free."

 A few nights ago i woke up in a cold sweat after this dream. Partly still afraid, partly ecstatic. 

Its a dream seemingly RIFE with meaning...i haven't quite gotten around to figuring it all out yet. 

a few weeks back i was in that store we all know and love, Target (pronounced with a french accent if you please). I was feeling particularly dapper that day, what with my fresh, new, gray chucks, my favorite Levi's and a brand new red plaid button up from H&M...all topped of with a black, silk skinny tie. I stepped into the ladies room (i go back and forth you see; sometimes using mens bathrooms and fitting rooms and sometimes using womens). as i came out of the stall, i was met by the stares of a four year old. Her pigtails were bouncy, her eyes squint-y with scrutiny.  I grinned and turned to wash my hands. She grabbed her mothers arm as they left the restroom and whispered (i love how some kid whispers are more like an adults outside voice) "WHAT IS HE DOING IN HERE?!?"

I felt a moment of pride; i was wreaking havoc on society's view of masculine and feminine...androgyny is awesome! This, however, was followed by a much longer moment of fear. A moment so long that i slinked around target hoping that no one would catch me loitering about the mens underwear section. A large, mustachioed man slumped into the aisle i was in and immediately  turned back around. A silver haired grandma peered at me over her spectacle, eyes furrowed in confusion. Paranoia was definitely setting in and i forgot half the stuff on my list; finally i shuffled out of target feeling quite awkward and disappointed with myself. 

Where did all this fear come from? When i first came out i came out twofold: gay and butch. I came out strong too...getting rid clothes by the bagful, shopping the thrift stores for mens jeans and tshirts. It was so much fun...i had never really had fun shopping before...but shopping for ties and the perfect wing tipped shoe? AMAZING!

then a series of things happened to bring my feminine masculinity down a few notches.

1. Society as a whole changed their attitude towards me. It called me names, kicked me out of womens bathrooms,asked if i realized that i was shopping in the wrong department(ie the mens) and turned away from me in the womens locker room. Society looked at me with judgement and ask their friends which bathroom they think i used. Simply:It treated me different.

2. A few girlfriends convinced me that it was better for me to dress how they wanted me to dress rather than dress the way i felt more "me" ...ie "i wish you'd buy womens jeans...i like to know the girl i'm dating is a girl" SIGH

3. Friends saying "Well, i wouldn't have anything to say about the way you dress unless you went to far." TOO FAR?! what do you mean too far?" "well, like if you dressed completely like man...you know?" "no, i don't know..." (i hate when people say "you know"!)

I am not proud that i let people decide for me how to be rather than stand strong....

I am so tired of being afraid...I am too confident of a person to be afraid to dress the way i want! I can't help that coworkers don't hide the fact that they are surprised when i come to work in suspenders and a spunky little tie. I can't help that people do a double take when i enter the womens bathroom or come out of the mens fitting room. I can't help that i will be confronted by the way i dress many times to come....what i can help is how i react. I choose not to react in fear anymore....I choose to be proud, confident and hopeful.

anyway, i could write a book on this subject but will leave it for later installments.

Up next: MORE DATING BLUES! aren't you all so very excited?!

question: any thoughts on the dream? don't you just love vague, general questions like that?