young and wild and free

she portrays what i cannot
wild abandonment

special...and old

i made it through another birthday...

i have quite a habit of having rather shitty birthdays:

like birthday '03 where i spent it alone scaring myself shitless watching The Ring because my family forgot!

or birthday '04 where i broke my ankle. my gf at the time ran off to the Lake District (in the UK) on OUR vacation the WE had planned with OTHER people while i stayed on campus...on crutches...by myself.

or birthday '09 where it literally blizzard'd all over my damn birthday...i was stuck inside for days. I made my own steak dinner, baked my own cake and sang happy birthday to myself. it was bleak.

or birthday '10 where my mom came to visit me, found all my LESBIAN paraphernalia, outed me to herself and then proceeded to tell me that i would probably not be allowed to visit their house ever again or be allowed to be see my siblings...super bleak.

or birthday "11 where THE EX decided that it would be more fun to go get wasted with her friends instead of whatever it was that i wanted to do and then volunteered me to work in her mothers garden literally all damn day. just plain stupid. (don't get me wrong...i LOVE spending time in a garden...my garden, when i decide to garden...you know?)

so, this year, i had absolutely no expectations. I planned nothing, told no one; i pretended that i was not turning another year older...that in fact i was not entering another age bracket but was staying put in the "spring chicken" years.  and that no one or no force of nature was going to ruin my day!

First thing this morning i was smartly flipped of by an idiot on a bike...happy fucking birthday. 


all idiots aside, this birthday actually turned out quite well! 

My bff sent me a lovely wee package with a brand spanking new journal. YAY! 

My family sent me a box full of fun, little trinkets, a few gift cards, a new St. Louis Cardinals baseball cap and loving little notes. They've come along way since the whole "you can't come home" thing...my dad even sent a little limerick (half of which i did not understand) that basically alluded to the fact that i might actually be special. The idea that he still thinks i'm special, even after devastating them all by being gay, brought tears to my eyes. They have no idea what they mean to me!

"the roomie" treated me to a day of fresh mountain air, frosty brews and tickets to see James Taylor at Red Rocks... A-FUCKING-MAZING!

My Denver bestie left me the most hilarious voicemail about halfway through the day. You know the kind...the bestie kind. the laugh so hard tears are flowing kind. We have plans to paint the town red this friday!

Peeps at work sent ridiculous emails with pictures of cats blowing cake in a dogs face and asked the obligatory birthday question: "so, do ya feel older?"

In fact, this year, i do.

My body, in every way possible, is reminding me that indeed i am NOT getting younger...but much much older.

This past Saturday, I helped a friend move. What i thought was going to be a two hour affair turned into a nearly six hour shindig in which i think i used every muscle i never knew i had. I outdid my self trying to keep up with the men in the group...
(the only thing i couldn't do was help move the god-awful china hutch)
...and now my back in yelling obscenities at me. Saturday coupled with my 4 hour hike up Guanella Pass on Sunday has my body screaming from places i had forgotten existed. That didn't used to happen a few years ago.
I also found a whole new batch of grays....a few more crows feet and my affinity for staying out late in waning fast. 

Despite all the aches and pains (anyone have any ICEYHOT, by the way?) i feel quite contented with my life. I have wonderful friends. a family who is starting to come around. I beautiful puppy. A good job and a vacation coming up. 

any good shitty birthday stories out there?


ants in the pants

Happy First Day of Spring!
It was a gorgeous day, bright blue skies with a hint of cottony clouds. The air was crisp, clean and cool. Where did you spend your day,you might ask?. 
I spent my day it in a bunker. 
yep, in a damn bunker. Today was day two of four straight days of Emergency Management/Disaster Response training. Now, I don't don't mind a day out of the office...but FOUR STRAIGHT DAYS? and did i mention it was in a bunker?

Remember that kid back in school, the one who always got in trouble for getting up and walking around without permission. I was that kid. What was it my mother used to call it? "Ants in the pants". Sitting for prolonged periods of time in the confines of a structured environment makes for a very fidgety, distracted, grumpy boi. Add in the "lets get to know each other" segment and group activities and I can get REAL peevish REAL quick. 

Our instructor is a sarcastic, know-it-all ex-marine. He flies through the material like tomorrow is the end of times....I could appreciate this IF i had the time to write down anything he said. I do, however, appreciate that he rarely stops for questions and allows no time for that one blabbermouth. You know the one...the blue haired lady who always has more experience in the subject at hand than anyone else in the world...ever! The instructor has a beautiful assistant who rarely speaks...I wish he would let her facilitate an exercise or two.

Around 10:00 am we broke into small groups. I found myself surrounded by three extremely opinionated, extraordinarily sweet, older men. They all had various degrees of experience and decided unanimously to elect me, the least experienced member, team lead and spokesperson. 

thanks pals. you really shouldn't have.

We spent the day discussing the information and dutifully completing our group exercises. We worked well together. They rambled about their various expertise and i wrote down what i thought was important.

Towards the end of the day, one of the men from my group was appointed manager of the simulation we will be doing tomorrow. He immediately gave me a lead role to play in the simulation as well.

What Joy.

So, starting 8:00 am tomorrow I get to pretend to know what i am doing and then lead thirty other more qualified persons in how to do the jobs they already know how to do.

as the kids say,

P.S. Has anyone seen the new Gatorade commercial staring my one, true love Abby Wambach?? its amazing
P.S.S Imagine confetti and glitter being thrown everywhere. That's me celebrating reaching 10 followers/readers!!!!! I'm so honored there are actually ten people out there who want to read my ramblings. THANKS YA'll!


Dating Blues: Cielo #2

Mid - January 2012
I slid into the booth across from Cielo; skin tingling, palms sweating.
There was a moment of bustling and confusion as the waitress came and i ordered a beer...stealing glances at Cielo as she perused the menu. Finally the waitress left and Cielo began to speak:

"so, yeah, um, i just got an email from my mom. she's kinda upset. cuz, you see, my stepdad and i just starting talking again. he was more like my dad that my real dad ever was to me and so we started talking. facebook, you know?"

"uh huh, facebook..."

"and so, she just found out that we were talking...and um she emailed me...and its just a weird thing cuz they  aren't really friends ...and she was hurt by him...and so...you know?'

"um...yeah...that sound like a sticky situation."

"yeah for sure...and like he kinda roughed her up and she's still mad. of course she would be...but i don't want to shut him out...he's sorry and ...well ...you know?"

Umm, sure. So, is your mom really mad right now...or...?" I wasn't sure how i wanted to finish the sentence.

"Well, no...i mean yeah...a little but you know....(no, i don't fucking know) she's just a little upset...cuz you see...my step dad just found me on Facebook and messaged me and i had to write back...and she found out..."
at this she repeated the whole story again. For ten minutes she talked about the situation, never quite finishing a sentence, repeating herself and saying "you know".

We still hadn't ordered dinner...i was considering eating my arm or the tablecloth.. I needed to eat and the waitress was nowhere in sight. She came finally: just as Cielo was trying to repeat the story for a third time.

As we we ordered i took the opportunity to change the subject: we talked about work (turns out she was unemployed and not necessarily looking) we talked about living situations (turns out her housemates were moving out, she was looking for a roommate...hint hint) we talked about our cars (turns out she thinks its weird that not everyone can fix their own brakes) i talked about not sleeping very well (turns out she knows all about how to fix that problem: just buy salt rocks! Or was it rock lamps? )

During this conversation i noticed something very disconcerting. She did not look me in the eyes but once the entire time. She look at the table, her glass, her food, her hands. The one time our eyes actually met was amazing. Her eyes were a shade green i have never seen before...i felt like i could see way down deep where her true self was lurking. But then she looked away again, back to her hands. She repeated to herself often and never seemed to actually finish a sentence; as if her mind was moving at a speed faster than her mouth could keep up with. 

There was a lull in conversation, a lull i didn't know how to fill. I looked up at the rather distracting T.Vs  suspended from the ceiling. 
"Oh, wow!" i said, watching Rick Perry forgetting what to say, "I think i may already be tired of all the Presidential Campaign stuff...."
Cielo glanced up,clearly disinterested. "I don't ever watch T.V. anymore."
"Oh, really? That's cool....T.V. really can take up a lot of time that could be used for doing something productive"
"Yeah, I just remember watching the elections like ten years ago. I was listening to the T.V, from another room and heard this noise during one of the campaign commercials. It was like this beeping noise. BEEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEEP."
I was beginning to feel quite perturbed. This was not going the way i pictured it...not one bit. I closed my eyes for a second as she described that infernal beeping. 
"What do you think the beeping was?" i asked, tone flat.
"Subliminal Messaging, man!"
oh dear god
I couldn't help myself, "What do you think the beeping was trying to tell you?"
"Like, vote for this person or go jump off a bridge! I don't fucking know! but its creepy as shit,dude!"

She began talking about how T.Vs where invented by the Pentagon to keep tabs on the public, how people aren't prepared for whats coming and that she would like to go down fighting rather than drive a car off a cliff like Thelma and Louise. She talked about FEMA building concentration camps (there are videos on YouTube about this but I do not understand them.) and how she wished people would just open their eyes to the truth.

At this point i was quite done. Done eating, done drinking, done talking. She still had about a quarter of her giant steak left. I propped my head up in my hands, waiting for her to finish...listening to her relate her version of the Apocalypse.  

She finally came up for air, i hoped to finish her steak. (please, sweet baby jesus don't let her order desert)

I took the opportunity to rush off to the restroom. I sat in the stall wondering if i had met the right person. Was this really Cielo...was i being Punk'd? I hung out in the restroom longer than necessary.

I sat back down across from Cielo. The look in her eyes said, "I talked too much about conspiracy theories...must save face!"

She began to speak about herself from my point of view....in a British accent, "I say, this lass is a crazy one! Mad as a hatter i tell you! I really must tell all of my friends about my crazy date with a crazy lady." she kept on in this self-deprecating manner, laughing at herself. It was not funny, however. I wanted to grab her by the shirt, shake her a minute and tell her to stop. I didn't know if i should laugh with her or sit there in silence...i did a bit of both as she continued to make fun of herself. 

"well, i come into Denver a lot. so, just hit me up whenever you want. We can get a drink or take the dogs to the park!"
"Ok Cielo, thanks a lot for dinner. I appreciate it! Be safe on your way home."

I took the long way home, heaving a great sigh of disappointment. I felt really dumb for getting my hopes up.

I went home and watched a good two hours of television. I wonder all the beeping was about?

so, a few questions to the public:
1. anyone have a similar experience of getting too excited before a first date only to have it backfire?
2. what would you have done in my place?
3. and...can someone please explain to me the videos about FEMA building concentration camps??


Weekly Crush:Abby Wambach

I'm not that much of a sporty dyke. In fact i don't really give a rats ass about most sports...except for FUTBOL! (soccer) I grew up playing and hip-checked my way through middle and high school on the girls team. We played on a "free league" in town against women much older, stronger and better than us. We got beat up every game and lost nearly all of them...but damn if it wasn't fun. I like to think it made us tough. Despite the fact that i played on a women's team, i tended to ignore women's soccer as a whole and focused more on the men's teams in the Mexican leagues. I do vaguely remember Brandi Chastain's brazen shirt rip-off (awesome) and  hearing of Mia Hamm's amazing-ness(i know, not a real word)...but news of the U.S. Women's Team (any other women's team for that matter) wasn't given all that much attention in the news and internet access wasn't as readily accessible. So, i followed men's soccer....  
Until the last couple of years, specifically last years Women's World Cup. I was enraptured by the skill, speed and prowess of those ladies. Gals from all over the world kicking some serious ass out on the pitch. It was incredible! How had i been so blind all these years...blind not only to their mad playing skills...but also to  the skads and skads of gorgeous, sexy, muscle-bound chicas running around getting sweaty together. YOWZERS! It was at this point that i fell in lust love with Abby Wambach. I seriously cannot get over her...She is one of the best players out there. Strong, Confident, Focused...and hot hot hot. You all know that the Olympics are coming up, right? The U.S. Women's Team has a score to settle with Japan. The anticipation is killing me and I am on the verge of stroke. I will be that deranged fan, screaming at the TV screen, spilling beer on my jersey. I am confidant you all will want to join me in my rabid support after glancing this photo...
holy ARMS batman!

Happy Sunday Ya'll!

more dating blues coming soon...I PROMISE!


dating blues: Cielo #1

and so i messaged her.

She wrote back; flirty, smart....called me "trouble". I liked that. I felt mischievous...a bit of a bad boi.(i am in fact the exact boring opposite of trouble but i like to think that i am) The conversation was at once both intellectual and comfortable. I remember emailing back and forth so much one afternoon that i would barely get one message out before receiving another from her. We traded numbers quickly and texted late into the night. We chatted on the phone, her voice was deep, husky. 

Now, let me just explain a little something about myself....i am a SLOW mover. Like molasses in January slow. So slow i might as well be moving backwards. I don't allow myself to think in future terms...I do not immediately start planning vacations and picking out baby names. If we gay peeps could get married here in Denver I would have to be drug to the alter. Basically, I try to keep a straight (haha) head, a realistic perspective. I don't like to get ahead of myself....

Not this time,baby! i was running at least a year ahead of schedule. Cielo is a tattoo artist. I began imagining her designing only her best work for me. My back would be covered in her artistic wonder. Cielo is a bit of a mechanic. I imagined her showing me how to fix my water pump. Grease on her hands. Cielo desperately wants to travel. I imagined showing her all of the foreign places i have been, perhaps getting lost in an Austrian village. We both have eclectic groups of friends. I imagined house parties and happy hours with everyone laughing and toasting our l-o-v-e. ALL OF THIS BEFORE I HAD EVEN MET HER!!!

It is a bit embarrassing for me to admit how out of control I was over my own emotions, reactions. Not only was i fast forwarding to the not so near future i was imagining all the things i wanted her to do me. I was definitely imaging her shoving me up against a wall and having her way with me. good god that would have been hot....


We carried on in this matter for almost a week. I kept wanting to ask her to hang out but really wanted her to ask (i was feeling a bit selfish...I ALWAYS ask first)...and finally she did. She picked the place, i picked the time. 
"I am excited to meet you finally" i said...
"I can't wait" she replied

I got to the restaurant right on time (they call me johnny on the spot). Cielo texted me a moment later, "Tell the lady at the front desk your name"
"um, I'm supposed to tell you my name...harper...?"
"Oh yes...are you here for CIELO?" imagine much inflection and raising of eyebrows in that question.
"Right this way" the front desk lady swept away, leading me to a rather dark corner booth where Cielo was nursing a Jack and Coke....


dating blues: on with show

Mid January 2012

I was confused more than hurt when Giselle went her separate way. And I bore her no ill will. You can't blame a girl for knowing who she doesn't want to be with. i had had more fun with her in those few short months than i had had in years...so i thanked my lucky stars for that and set about to have some serious ME time.

HA!! That never seems to last very long. I have to FORCE myself to take the time to process, heal, reconnect with self.

I hemmed and hawed for about a week, blabbing to friends about writing more, painting more, exercise and volunteering. I was on my way to some quality me time.

"I don't think I'll get back on the site...not for a while anyway"

"Yeah right" The Roomie scoffed, "you'll be back on in a week."

"You don't even KNOW!" i countered.

I hate when she's right...hate, hate, hate.

Well, it was more like two weeks...but still...i was back on way before i needed to be. dammit

I made a few changes, added some new photos and unhid my profile.

I smirked at the computer screen "bring it, ladies."

You will never, i mean NEVER, guess who show up first on "my matches". seriously, you won't believe it....

CIELO!!! Remember her? That beautiful butch that got away...? (see dating blues: lookin' for love ) There she was in all her butch glory, just as handsome as ever and still talking about quantum physics. *sigh*

There was no way i was going to let her get away this time...without at least trying to chat with her!!

I typed up a simple email including a cleverly placed quote by a well-renowned quantum physicist and pressed send...


Easy Like Sunday Morning

can you smell the coffee? smells good doesn't it?

this morning was MARVELOUS. fresh, french-pressed coffee, freshly sharpened pencils and a brand new writing pad. there was also french toast, an NPR fix and an apartment all to myself added in there...what do all these wonderful comforts add up to, you ask? The PSM (perfect sunday morning)

easy like sunday morning

The PSM had me feeling quite inspired which lead to much cleaning and general re-arranging of the apartment. which then lead to an inordinate amount of grocery shopping and cooking. now the house looks as if the molly (or is it merry) maids were here and smells like beans and cornbread (NOM!).

 Its a good day.