dinner party

a friend sent out an invite: "we want to thank you for helping out with moving by inviting you to come have beer and wings at our new home."

i arrive late. traffic. introduce myself to some new peeps. make small talk

It is evident i hail from the isle of lesbos...the rest of the party...they hail from the straight and narrow.

Folks are not necessarily rude but are not super warm and inviting either. 

They are all friends/family of my friend...they all are teachers and and they all go to church. yikes

I steer away from family conversations and church related talk.

I stick to traveling and beer...subjects i am fairly well versed in.

There is a child with pink eye present. I continuously wash my hands. 

There is a child who likes to stick his hand up womens skirts. Yowzers

There is a baby with big blue eyes and rather odd looking dog.

The dog and the baby are more interesting than the people. ain't that a shame.

Beer is flowing, a bottle of scotch surfaces. the couples become a little looser. The conversation is not quite so stagnant. 

We talk about The Avengers. Scarlet Johannson is mentioned. I joke that she is my girlfriend. The men chuckle mightily...the women look uncomfortable. 

 A new group of people arrive...all single (yay) all boys (rats) however, they are much more fun that the rest of the crew so i talk to them for a while.

there is a boy named stu. stu is short. stu rather reminds me of a young joe pesci.

Stu is witty

I am clever

We make the folks around us laugh and clutch their stomachs. 

Stu disappears. i have a feeling he is slinking of to meet up with mary jane...i wish i had been invited.

At the table there is my friend, three other married with children gals and one husband. I am empathetic with the trials and tribulations of motherhood but have have no actual experience. I nod my head and look concerned. they bitch about their husbands...the conversation turns to sewing patterns.

My eyes glaze over. I am still nodding and looking concerned but am wishing for an out so i can go play cornhole with the guys. 

The husband gets up suddenly...his eyes a bit desperate. 

"are you going to go hang with the guys?"

"of course"

"i thought it was about time"

he looks at me...i look at him...

He walks outside

I want to follow but am in the middle of expressing my concern at my friends lack of sleep.

I feel like i have been pigeon holed

I have boobs, a vagina and am no longer considered youngish....i must want to hang out with the woman at all times. RIGHT?

I feel confused and frustrated. I am a woman who likes women.

I love talking to women...getting to know them...learning about what makes them who they are. 

They are beautiful, graceful, warm, kind and sometimes they smell amazing (some of them anyway)

But, i don't want to spend the entire time with them...i have other conversations i would like to have.

I am hearing yet another nursing horror story (oh dear god) when stu walks by...

he's standing by the door. mouthing something and making wild hand gestures

what the...?

His hand signals are an invitation to partake of his weed. 

I make a move to go the bathroom but slip out the front door instead.

the grass is so very fine...so very strong...so very wonderful

My muscles relax, i smile. we are lighting up under an aspen tree in the park across the street.

I wander back to the house, stu asks if i've ever played cornhole.

"oh sure"

Teams are made, sacks passed out. I play corn hole with the men. They assume i know the rules...i do not. I quickly learn. My aim is oddly on target even with the weed. 

We talk smack, give props when props are due. I am not treated differently than they...i am one of the guys. 

Its liberating. In a way. Comfortable. Familiar. 

and yet

One can only take so many penis jokes. I am annoyed when they call each other gay and talk in lisps when they miss a shot. and when a beautiful red head walks by and stu says "I wonder which of these guys will fuck her tonight" i feel uncomfortable.

I feel frustrated and confused. I am a masculine identifying woman.

I wear mens underwear. I can throw a baseball farther than a lot of men. Give me a pick up truck and some hard labor and i am one happy boi.

but i don't want to spend the entire time with the boys either.

I am stuck in the middle...just not fitting in society's construct of make and female.

i am female but not woman:boi but not male

A square peg being pounded into a round hole. 

.

why is HE in HERE? part 1

"Twilight was giving way to darkness. Milky moonlight filtered through the tangled canopy of trees. The air was cool, humid. The only sound was that of the cicadas and crickets calling out to one another. I could feel the damp, forest ground beneath my bare feet. The night air perfumed perfectly with a blend of earth and flower. It was peaceful. But i was terrified. For no other reason than that i was naked. In the distance, i heard a car crunching its way down the gravel road winding its way through the wood. Its headlights flickered through the branches,a beam landing on my body, clearly illuminating the contours of my breasts, the indent of my waist, the flare of my hips, the slope of my mons. All obviously female. I ran. Sprinting, tripping over roots and logs; scratching my arms and face on twigs and low-hanging vines. I encountered a set of stone stairs and scrambled up using feet and hands; cutting myself on the sharp rock. I could still see the lights from the car behind me, catching me up fast. Fear pounded in my chest, i heard the blood rushing though my body. At the top of the stairs i could see a clearing not to far away, a clearing where the moonlight bathed everything in a shimmering glow. I tore towards the clearing, looking over my shoulder at the speeding car. As i neared the clearing, however, i slowed down until i was tiptoeing towards the glow. Reaching the edge of the clearing i stopped; placing one foot into the glow of the moon. The fear caught  in my throat vanished. In its place, excitement, confidence, hope. I stepped fully into the moonlight and glanced down at my body. My breasts melted away to flat, muscular pectorals, hips smoothed out as if sanded down. Detailed abdominal muscles formed where softer belly had been. My body became a straight line from shoulder to thigh. Jeans hung loosely from my slender hips. I burst into the clearing, no car in sight, wondering what the sun would feel like on my naked chest. I felt Free."

 A few nights ago i woke up in a cold sweat after this dream. Partly still afraid, partly ecstatic. 

Its a dream seemingly RIFE with meaning...i haven't quite gotten around to figuring it all out yet. 

a few weeks back i was in that store we all know and love, Target (pronounced with a french accent if you please). I was feeling particularly dapper that day, what with my fresh, new, gray chucks, my favorite Levi's and a brand new red plaid button up from H&M...all topped of with a black, silk skinny tie. I stepped into the ladies room (i go back and forth you see; sometimes using mens bathrooms and fitting rooms and sometimes using womens). as i came out of the stall, i was met by the stares of a four year old. Her pigtails were bouncy, her eyes squint-y with scrutiny.  I grinned and turned to wash my hands. She grabbed her mothers arm as they left the restroom and whispered (i love how some kid whispers are more like an adults outside voice) "WHAT IS HE DOING IN HERE?!?"

I felt a moment of pride; i was wreaking havoc on society's view of masculine and feminine...androgyny is awesome! This, however, was followed by a much longer moment of fear. A moment so long that i slinked around target hoping that no one would catch me loitering about the mens underwear section. A large, mustachioed man slumped into the aisle i was in and immediately  turned back around. A silver haired grandma peered at me over her spectacle, eyes furrowed in confusion. Paranoia was definitely setting in and i forgot half the stuff on my list; finally i shuffled out of target feeling quite awkward and disappointed with myself. 

Where did all this fear come from? When i first came out i came out twofold: gay and butch. I came out strong too...getting rid clothes by the bagful, shopping the thrift stores for mens jeans and tshirts. It was so much fun...i had never really had fun shopping before...but shopping for ties and the perfect wing tipped shoe? AMAZING!

then a series of things happened to bring my feminine masculinity down a few notches.

1. Society as a whole changed their attitude towards me. It called me names, kicked me out of womens bathrooms,asked if i realized that i was shopping in the wrong department(ie the mens) and turned away from me in the womens locker room. Society looked at me with judgement and ask their friends which bathroom they think i used. Simply:It treated me different.

2. A few girlfriends convinced me that it was better for me to dress how they wanted me to dress rather than dress the way i felt more "me" ...ie "i wish you'd buy womens jeans...i like to know the girl i'm dating is a girl" SIGH

3. Friends saying "Well, i wouldn't have anything to say about the way you dress unless you went to far." TOO FAR?! what do you mean too far?" "well, like if you dressed completely like man...you know?" "no, i don't know..." (i hate when people say "you know"!)

I am not proud that i let people decide for me how to be rather than stand strong....

I am so tired of being afraid...I am too confident of a person to be afraid to dress the way i want! I can't help that coworkers don't hide the fact that they are surprised when i come to work in suspenders and a spunky little tie. I can't help that people do a double take when i enter the womens bathroom or come out of the mens fitting room. I can't help that i will be confronted by the way i dress many times to come....what i can help is how i react. I choose not to react in fear anymore....I choose to be proud, confident and hopeful.

anyway, i could write a book on this subject but will leave it for later installments.

Up next: MORE DATING BLUES! aren't you all so very excited?!

question: any thoughts on the dream? don't you just love vague, general questions like that?

Dating Blues: Cielo #2

Mid - January 2012

I slid into the booth across from Cielo; skin tingling, palms sweating.

There was a moment of bustling and confusion as the waitress came and i ordered a beer...stealing glances at Cielo as she perused the menu. Finally the waitress left and Cielo began to speak:

"so, yeah, um, i just got an email from my mom. she's kinda upset. cuz, you see, my stepdad and i just starting talking again. he was more like my dad that my real dad ever was to me and so we started talking. facebook, you know?"

"uh huh, facebook..."

"and so, she just found out that we were talking...and um she emailed me...and its just a weird thing cuz they  aren't really friends ...and she was hurt by him...and so...you know?'

"um...yeah...that sound like a sticky situation."

"yeah for sure...and like he kinda roughed her up and she's still mad. of course she would be...but i don't want to shut him out...he's sorry and ...well ...you know?"

Umm, sure. So, is your mom really mad right now...or...?" I wasn't sure how i wanted to finish the sentence.

"Well, no...i mean yeah...a little but you know....(no, i don't fucking know) she's just a little upset...cuz you see...my step dad just found me on Facebook and messaged me and i had to write back...and she found out..."

at this she repeated the whole story again. For ten minutes she talked about the situation, never quite finishing a sentence, repeating herself and saying "you know".

We still hadn't ordered dinner...i was considering eating my arm or the tablecloth.. I needed to eat and the waitress was nowhere in sight. She came finally: just as Cielo was trying to repeat the story for a third time.

As we we ordered i took the opportunity to change the subject: we talked about work (turns out she was unemployed and not necessarily looking) we talked about living situations (turns out her housemates were moving out, she was looking for a roommate...hint hint) we talked about our cars (turns out she thinks its weird that not everyone can fix their own brakes) i talked about not sleeping very well (turns out she knows all about how to fix that problem: just buy salt rocks! Or was it rock lamps? )

During this conversation i noticed something very disconcerting. She did not look me in the eyes but once the entire time. She look at the table, her glass, her food, her hands. The one time our eyes actually met was amazing. Her eyes were a shade green i have never seen before...i felt like i could see way down deep where her true self was lurking. But then she looked away again, back to her hands. She repeated to herself often and never seemed to actually finish a sentence; as if her mind was moving at a speed faster than her mouth could keep up with. 

There was a lull in conversation, a lull i didn't know how to fill. I looked up at the rather distracting T.Vs  suspended from the ceiling. 

"Oh, wow!" i said, watching Rick Perry forgetting what to say, "I think i may already be tired of all the Presidential Campaign stuff...."

Cielo glanced up,clearly disinterested. "I don't ever watch T.V. anymore."

"Oh, really? That's cool....T.V. really can take up a lot of time that could be used for doing something productive"

"Yeah, I just remember watching the elections like ten years ago. I was listening to the T.V, from another room and heard this noise during one of the campaign commercials. It was like this beeping noise. BEEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEEP."

I was beginning to feel quite perturbed. This was not going the way i pictured it...not one bit. I closed my eyes for a second as she described that infernal beeping. 

"What do you think the beeping was?" i asked, tone flat.

"Subliminal Messaging, man!"

oh dear god

I couldn't help myself, "What do you think the beeping was trying to tell you?"

"Like, vote for this person or go jump off a bridge! I don't fucking know! but its creepy as shit,dude!"

She began talking about how T.Vs where invented by the Pentagon to keep tabs on the public, how people aren't prepared for whats coming and that she would like to go down fighting rather than drive a car off a cliff like Thelma and Louise. She talked about FEMA building concentration camps (there are videos on YouTube about this but I do not understand them.) and how she wished people would just open their eyes to the truth.

At this point i was quite done. Done eating, done drinking, done talking. She still had about a quarter of her giant steak left. I propped my head up in my hands, waiting for her to finish...listening to her relate her version of the Apocalypse.  

She finally came up for air, i hoped to finish her steak. (please, sweet baby jesus don't let her order desert)

I took the opportunity to rush off to the restroom. I sat in the stall wondering if i had met the right person. Was this really Cielo...was i being Punk'd? I hung out in the restroom longer than necessary.

I sat back down across from Cielo. The look in her eyes said, "I talked too much about conspiracy theories...must save face!"

She began to speak about herself from my point of view....in a British accent, "I say, this lass is a crazy one! Mad as a hatter i tell you! I really must tell all of my friends about my crazy date with a crazy lady." she kept on in this self-deprecating manner, laughing at herself. It was not funny, however. I wanted to grab her by the shirt, shake her a minute and tell her to stop. I didn't know if i should laugh with her or sit there in silence...i did a bit of both as she continued to make fun of herself. 

"well, i come into Denver a lot. so, just hit me up whenever you want. We can get a drink or take the dogs to the park!"

"Ok Cielo, thanks a lot for dinner. I appreciate it! Be safe on your way home."

I took the long way home, heaving a great sigh of disappointment. I felt really dumb for getting my hopes up.

I went home and watched a good two hours of television. I wonder all the beeping was about?

so, a few questions to the public:

1. anyone have a similar experience of getting too excited before a first date only to have it backfire?

2. what would you have done in my place?

3. and...can someone please explain to me the videos about FEMA building concentration camps??

dating blues: on with show

Mid January 2012

I was confused more than hurt when Giselle went her separate way. And I bore her no ill will. You can't blame a girl for knowing who she doesn't want to be with. i had had more fun with her in those few short months than i had had in years...so i thanked my lucky stars for that and set about to have some serious ME time.

HA!! That never seems to last very long. I have to FORCE myself to take the time to process, heal, reconnect with self.

I hemmed and hawed for about a week, blabbing to friends about writing more, painting more, exercise and volunteering. I was on my way to some quality me time.

"I don't think I'll get back on the site...not for a while anyway"

"Yeah right" The Roomie scoffed, "you'll be back on in a week."

"You don't even KNOW!" i countered.

I hate when she's right...hate, hate, hate.

Well, it was more like two weeks...but still...i was back on way before i needed to be. dammit

I made a few changes, added some new photos and unhid my profile.

I smirked at the computer screen "bring it, ladies."

You will never, i mean NEVER, guess who show up first on "my matches". seriously, you won't believe it....

CIELO!!! Remember her? That beautiful butch that got away...? (see dating blues: lookin' for love ) There she was in all her butch glory, just as handsome as ever and still talking about quantum physics. *sigh*

There was no way i was going to let her get away this time...without at least trying to chat with her!!

I typed up a simple email including a cleverly placed quote by a well-renowned quantum physicist and pressed send...

dating blues: lookin' for love

and now...back to DATING BLUES:

September 2011:

    the time had come to create my online dating profile....i spent an inordinate amount of time fashioning the obligatory "about me" section: likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses, basically my life story in 1000 characters. easy, right? PFFFFT! I wasted away many an hour picking out the best photos...nature shots, action shots, smiling coquettishly into the camera shots and of course...pet shots. I probably revised my profile ten times before publishing it...absolutely no typos or grammar mistakes allowed! I really was taking it all quite seriously!

    finally my profile was complete and ready for viewing. I pressed "publish" and waited for the onslaught of messages to raid my inbox...

    suffice it to say...my inbox was rather bare for quite some time...until i realized that online dating wasn't much different than walking into a bar...waiting for someone to approach me was a ridiculous notion. so, i winked, and flirted and messaged....poked and IM'd and chatted. There were pages and pages of "your matches"...i browsed them carefully looking for ms. right. 

    One of the first profiles that really caught my eye was of a Beautiful Butch i will call "Cielo" which in Spanish means "sky or heaven". from her blurb it sounded as though Cielo was beyond smart...she talked about abandoned buildings, being comfortable with herself and quantum physics. It was the quantum physics that really hooked me....i began revisiting the subject convinced i would have an intelligent conversation about quantum physics with her at some point. i perused her photos, completely floored by one in particular. She look as if she had just stepped out of the movie "Grease", wearing a tight white tee, hair in a pompadour and sporting a sleek, little mustache. damn if that wasn't hot...oh and did i mention her eyes? the most vivid green you have ever seen...i felt a little lost in them. a bit dramatic? a bit...but i couldn't help myself. i was also was a little mystified...i haven't been attracted to many butch women in my life...but was certainly attracted to this gal. so, out of my comfort zone i crept...vowing to message her the next day when i had time to write an amazing email that blow her away. the next day i logged on and searched for her profile: "this profile does not exist"   WHAT?? i searched high and low for Cielo and could not find her. where the hell had she gone...was  i typing in her username wrong? Jesus! She had disappeared and i was disappointed! BLERG! i did not know, however, that that was not the last I would see of Cielo...(how's that for foreshadowing?) 

    One disappointment down, a million gazillion to go: I chatted with quite a few other chicas before finally setting up an ice cream date with "Samantha". a massage therapist with a St. Bernard. 

     My coworker,"eva" advised "you should try to get a free massage out of this date!" 

   "yes, of course." i replied, " I'll just casually ask 'what's your favorite ice cream? by the way, can i have a free massage?' " right...

     I didn't have the chance to ask for a fucking free massage. As i was heading out she sent me this highly annoying text "i may be late....i stopped by this tattoo shop and the wait is about forty-five minutes long" (WHAT THE FUCK?!) to which i stupidly replied, "oh, ok...no worries". twenty minutes later she texted again..."i don't think i'm going to make it...the wait here is really long and my parents decided not to take care of my dog today...sooooo" to which i also stupidly replied "maybe we can reschedule..." her reply? "k". (OH MY GOD?) to which i DID NOT reply.

     Back i went to "the site"...chatting up a few other lovely ladies. Including one "questioning nineteen year old" whose favorite subject to talk about was The Holocaust (how depressing).

     I was starting to get frustrated when "Giselle" swept into my inbox. To use a cliche it was like a breath of fresh air! Giselle was funny and clever...beyond adorable...and Puerto Rican (for those of you who have never dated a Puerto Rican...PLEASE DO!) She had long curly hair and glasses, two traits i cannot resist. Her subject lines were random and hilarious: "the cat is stuck in the underwear drawer again" and other such silliness. We messaged daily...texted frequently and finally spoke on the phone. What a sexy, husky voice she had! After a few days we agreed to meet on Tuesday at "Double Daughters" downtown.

       I waited, impatiently, for Tuesday...

to be continued