why is HE in HERE? part 1

"Twilight was giving way to darkness. Milky moonlight filtered through the tangled canopy of trees. The air was cool, humid. The only sound was that of the cicadas and crickets calling out to one another. I could feel the damp, forest ground beneath my bare feet. The night air perfumed perfectly with a blend of earth and flower. It was peaceful. But i was terrified. For no other reason than that i was naked. In the distance, i heard a car crunching its way down the gravel road winding its way through the wood. Its headlights flickered through the branches,a beam landing on my body, clearly illuminating the contours of my breasts, the indent of my waist, the flare of my hips, the slope of my mons. All obviously female. I ran. Sprinting, tripping over roots and logs; scratching my arms and face on twigs and low-hanging vines. I encountered a set of stone stairs and scrambled up using feet and hands; cutting myself on the sharp rock. I could still see the lights from the car behind me, catching me up fast. Fear pounded in my chest, i heard the blood rushing though my body. At the top of the stairs i could see a clearing not to far away, a clearing where the moonlight bathed everything in a shimmering glow. I tore towards the clearing, looking over my shoulder at the speeding car. As i neared the clearing, however, i slowed down until i was tiptoeing towards the glow. Reaching the edge of the clearing i stopped; placing one foot into the glow of the moon. The fear caught  in my throat vanished. In its place, excitement, confidence, hope. I stepped fully into the moonlight and glanced down at my body. My breasts melted away to flat, muscular pectorals, hips smoothed out as if sanded down. Detailed abdominal muscles formed where softer belly had been. My body became a straight line from shoulder to thigh. Jeans hung loosely from my slender hips. I burst into the clearing, no car in sight, wondering what the sun would feel like on my naked chest. I felt Free."

 A few nights ago i woke up in a cold sweat after this dream. Partly still afraid, partly ecstatic. 

Its a dream seemingly RIFE with meaning...i haven't quite gotten around to figuring it all out yet. 

a few weeks back i was in that store we all know and love, Target (pronounced with a french accent if you please). I was feeling particularly dapper that day, what with my fresh, new, gray chucks, my favorite Levi's and a brand new red plaid button up from H&M...all topped of with a black, silk skinny tie. I stepped into the ladies room (i go back and forth you see; sometimes using mens bathrooms and fitting rooms and sometimes using womens). as i came out of the stall, i was met by the stares of a four year old. Her pigtails were bouncy, her eyes squint-y with scrutiny.  I grinned and turned to wash my hands. She grabbed her mothers arm as they left the restroom and whispered (i love how some kid whispers are more like an adults outside voice) "WHAT IS HE DOING IN HERE?!?"

I felt a moment of pride; i was wreaking havoc on society's view of masculine and feminine...androgyny is awesome! This, however, was followed by a much longer moment of fear. A moment so long that i slinked around target hoping that no one would catch me loitering about the mens underwear section. A large, mustachioed man slumped into the aisle i was in and immediately  turned back around. A silver haired grandma peered at me over her spectacle, eyes furrowed in confusion. Paranoia was definitely setting in and i forgot half the stuff on my list; finally i shuffled out of target feeling quite awkward and disappointed with myself. 

Where did all this fear come from? When i first came out i came out twofold: gay and butch. I came out strong too...getting rid clothes by the bagful, shopping the thrift stores for mens jeans and tshirts. It was so much fun...i had never really had fun shopping before...but shopping for ties and the perfect wing tipped shoe? AMAZING!

then a series of things happened to bring my feminine masculinity down a few notches.

1. Society as a whole changed their attitude towards me. It called me names, kicked me out of womens bathrooms,asked if i realized that i was shopping in the wrong department(ie the mens) and turned away from me in the womens locker room. Society looked at me with judgement and ask their friends which bathroom they think i used. Simply:It treated me different.

2. A few girlfriends convinced me that it was better for me to dress how they wanted me to dress rather than dress the way i felt more "me" ...ie "i wish you'd buy womens jeans...i like to know the girl i'm dating is a girl" SIGH

3. Friends saying "Well, i wouldn't have anything to say about the way you dress unless you went to far." TOO FAR?! what do you mean too far?" "well, like if you dressed completely like man...you know?" "no, i don't know..." (i hate when people say "you know"!)

I am not proud that i let people decide for me how to be rather than stand strong....

I am so tired of being afraid...I am too confident of a person to be afraid to dress the way i want! I can't help that coworkers don't hide the fact that they are surprised when i come to work in suspenders and a spunky little tie. I can't help that people do a double take when i enter the womens bathroom or come out of the mens fitting room. I can't help that i will be confronted by the way i dress many times to come....what i can help is how i react. I choose not to react in fear anymore....I choose to be proud, confident and hopeful.

anyway, i could write a book on this subject but will leave it for later installments.

Up next: MORE DATING BLUES! aren't you all so very excited?!

question: any thoughts on the dream? don't you just love vague, general questions like that?

Dating Blues: Cielo #2

Mid - January 2012

I slid into the booth across from Cielo; skin tingling, palms sweating.

There was a moment of bustling and confusion as the waitress came and i ordered a beer...stealing glances at Cielo as she perused the menu. Finally the waitress left and Cielo began to speak:

"so, yeah, um, i just got an email from my mom. she's kinda upset. cuz, you see, my stepdad and i just starting talking again. he was more like my dad that my real dad ever was to me and so we started talking. facebook, you know?"

"uh huh, facebook..."

"and so, she just found out that we were talking...and um she emailed me...and its just a weird thing cuz they  aren't really friends ...and she was hurt by him...and so...you know?'

"um...yeah...that sound like a sticky situation."

"yeah for sure...and like he kinda roughed her up and she's still mad. of course she would be...but i don't want to shut him out...he's sorry and ...well ...you know?"

Umm, sure. So, is your mom really mad right now...or...?" I wasn't sure how i wanted to finish the sentence.

"Well, no...i mean yeah...a little but you know....(no, i don't fucking know) she's just a little upset...cuz you see...my step dad just found me on Facebook and messaged me and i had to write back...and she found out..."

at this she repeated the whole story again. For ten minutes she talked about the situation, never quite finishing a sentence, repeating herself and saying "you know".

We still hadn't ordered dinner...i was considering eating my arm or the tablecloth.. I needed to eat and the waitress was nowhere in sight. She came finally: just as Cielo was trying to repeat the story for a third time.

As we we ordered i took the opportunity to change the subject: we talked about work (turns out she was unemployed and not necessarily looking) we talked about living situations (turns out her housemates were moving out, she was looking for a roommate...hint hint) we talked about our cars (turns out she thinks its weird that not everyone can fix their own brakes) i talked about not sleeping very well (turns out she knows all about how to fix that problem: just buy salt rocks! Or was it rock lamps? )

During this conversation i noticed something very disconcerting. She did not look me in the eyes but once the entire time. She look at the table, her glass, her food, her hands. The one time our eyes actually met was amazing. Her eyes were a shade green i have never seen before...i felt like i could see way down deep where her true self was lurking. But then she looked away again, back to her hands. She repeated to herself often and never seemed to actually finish a sentence; as if her mind was moving at a speed faster than her mouth could keep up with. 

There was a lull in conversation, a lull i didn't know how to fill. I looked up at the rather distracting T.Vs  suspended from the ceiling. 

"Oh, wow!" i said, watching Rick Perry forgetting what to say, "I think i may already be tired of all the Presidential Campaign stuff...."

Cielo glanced up,clearly disinterested. "I don't ever watch T.V. anymore."

"Oh, really? That's cool....T.V. really can take up a lot of time that could be used for doing something productive"

"Yeah, I just remember watching the elections like ten years ago. I was listening to the T.V, from another room and heard this noise during one of the campaign commercials. It was like this beeping noise. BEEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEEP."

I was beginning to feel quite perturbed. This was not going the way i pictured it...not one bit. I closed my eyes for a second as she described that infernal beeping. 

"What do you think the beeping was?" i asked, tone flat.

"Subliminal Messaging, man!"

oh dear god

I couldn't help myself, "What do you think the beeping was trying to tell you?"

"Like, vote for this person or go jump off a bridge! I don't fucking know! but its creepy as shit,dude!"

She began talking about how T.Vs where invented by the Pentagon to keep tabs on the public, how people aren't prepared for whats coming and that she would like to go down fighting rather than drive a car off a cliff like Thelma and Louise. She talked about FEMA building concentration camps (there are videos on YouTube about this but I do not understand them.) and how she wished people would just open their eyes to the truth.

At this point i was quite done. Done eating, done drinking, done talking. She still had about a quarter of her giant steak left. I propped my head up in my hands, waiting for her to finish...listening to her relate her version of the Apocalypse.  

She finally came up for air, i hoped to finish her steak. (please, sweet baby jesus don't let her order desert)

I took the opportunity to rush off to the restroom. I sat in the stall wondering if i had met the right person. Was this really Cielo...was i being Punk'd? I hung out in the restroom longer than necessary.

I sat back down across from Cielo. The look in her eyes said, "I talked too much about conspiracy theories...must save face!"

She began to speak about herself from my point of view....in a British accent, "I say, this lass is a crazy one! Mad as a hatter i tell you! I really must tell all of my friends about my crazy date with a crazy lady." she kept on in this self-deprecating manner, laughing at herself. It was not funny, however. I wanted to grab her by the shirt, shake her a minute and tell her to stop. I didn't know if i should laugh with her or sit there in silence...i did a bit of both as she continued to make fun of herself. 

"well, i come into Denver a lot. so, just hit me up whenever you want. We can get a drink or take the dogs to the park!"

"Ok Cielo, thanks a lot for dinner. I appreciate it! Be safe on your way home."

I took the long way home, heaving a great sigh of disappointment. I felt really dumb for getting my hopes up.

I went home and watched a good two hours of television. I wonder all the beeping was about?

so, a few questions to the public:

1. anyone have a similar experience of getting too excited before a first date only to have it backfire?

2. what would you have done in my place?

3. and...can someone please explain to me the videos about FEMA building concentration camps??

Weekly Crush:Abby Wambach

I'm not that much of a sporty dyke. In fact i don't really give a rats ass about most sports...except for FUTBOL! (soccer) I grew up playing and hip-checked my way through middle and high school on the girls team. We played on a "free league" in town against women much older, stronger and better than us. We got beat up every game and lost nearly all of them...but damn if it wasn't fun. I like to think it made us tough. Despite the fact that i played on a women's team, i tended to ignore women's soccer as a whole and focused more on the men's teams in the Mexican leagues. I do vaguely remember Brandi Chastain's brazen shirt rip-off (awesome) and  hearing of Mia Hamm's amazing-ness(i know, not a real word)...but news of the U.S. Women's Team (any other women's team for that matter) wasn't given all that much attention in the news and internet access wasn't as readily accessible. So, i followed men's soccer....  

Until the last couple of years, specifically last years Women's World Cup. I was enraptured by the skill, speed and prowess of those ladies. Gals from all over the world kicking some serious ass out on the pitch. It was incredible! How had i been so blind all these years...blind not only to their mad playing skills...but also to  the skads and skads of gorgeous, sexy, muscle-bound chicas running around getting sweaty together. YOWZERS! It was at this point that i fell in lust love with Abby Wambach. I seriously cannot get over her...She is one of the best players out there. Strong, Confident, Focused...and hot hot hot. You all know that the Olympics are coming up, right? The U.S. Women's Team has a score to settle with Japan. The anticipation is killing me and I am on the verge of stroke. I will be that deranged fan, screaming at the TV screen, spilling beer on my jersey. I am confidant you all will want to join me in my rabid support after glancing this photo...

holy ARMS batman!

Happy Sunday Ya'll!

more dating blues coming soon...I PROMISE!

dating blues: Giselle #4

i do believe i have a story to finish:

December 2011

 
The following week, after Giselle asked me if would meet her parents, i began to notice a change. I was still enjoying myself with her...whatever it was that we were doing seemed to be progressing. It was when we were not together, i noticed the shift.there was a nagging in the back of my head.subtle at first...so subtle i ignored it.

 
Christmas was coming and i was swamped with work, the holidays and getting ready to see the family(always a blast) .life was a bit of a blur but i tried to make time for nurturing her, us; especially before i went home for Christmas. I went to see her right before leaving for home, bringing a simple, wee gift. She ooo'd and awed over it...ate some of the candy and set it aside. i tried not to notice that she had not thought to get one for me.

   
     She snuggled into my arms and whispered, "I think I'm going to miss you while you are gone." 

my heart soared

     

    "which is strange because...." and here she trailed off mumbling about not liking being monogamous and not really feeling very strongly....

my heart began to sink...i was clearly missing something....

     

     "what?" i asked

    "oh you know...i used to not like being monogamous but i think i am going to miss you while you are gone"

what do those two concepts in common??

   
i had to catch my flight, leaving very confused and pondering her words.

   
The first few days of my holiday, Giselle texted me constantly.

     "omg, i miss you so much"

     "when are coming home?"

     "you are so damn funny...i can't wait to see you again."

     we talked more those first few days than we had the past three months....on one hand my hopes were rising. on the other hand...something was off-kilter.

     and then the texting stopped. almost completely. she had gone to visit her family and was seeing a bunch of old friends. I wasn't expecting her to be in constant contact with me...how selfish! but one text every couple of days?

     i returned to Denver....rarely hearing from Giselle. I had agreed to pick her up from the airport and was looking forward to seeing her...convinced that it would all makes sense once we say each other and could have a real conversation. 

     She was tired and stressed when i picked her up. "why didn't you just wait in the pick up area?" 

     "because i thought it would be nice to pick you up here inside...i can help with your bags..."

     "oh, thanks. i would have just waited out there."

     BLERG!

     I took her home....we went straight to bed. I left early to get to work. 

     Later, we agreed to share pizza and movie with some friends at their house. I showed up wearing the same shirt as she(ON ACCIDENT!). Her friends ribbed us, calling us "those lesbians". Giselle was spunky and cute, holding my hand as i drove, making fun conversation. She spooned me while watching the movie, whispering, "i cant wait to get you home"

      Once at home she complained of a stomach ache and went to bed. I lied awake.

     The next day we chatted off and on throughout work....i was gathering momentum to ask her to clarify a few things for me. As i arrived home, sluffing off my work clothes, she showed up at my door. I was pleasantly surprised and simultaneously troubled. I asked if she was ok? she skirted the question, sat on my couch and watched tv. I made myself dinner, washed dishes, chatted with my roomie...all the while she sat in the living room watching the tube. She ate some of my food, drank some of my vodka and then laid on my bed for two hours. 

      At long last, she yawned and said, "well, i need to get going but i did come here to say something to you."

      My hear was in my throat...i already knew what she was going to say.

      It took her at least ten minutes of hemming and hawing, sighing and crying to say these words:

      "I just don't feel for you what i feel like i should feel for you."

      "What do you want to feel?" i asked

      "Yearning"   ??? ugh

      I sat in silence for a while...not sure what to say next...my tongue was tied with the confusion of the last few weeks. 

      ":i don't want to overstay my welcome...you know you can kick me out whenever you want, right"

       "Yes, of course," i said, "its my house, i know that i can kick you out whenever i want. I'm trying to decide if i have anything to say to you or not."

        A few trite break-up phrases, a few tears and a few more minutes of silence and she got up to leave. She requested a hug and i said something rude about women always wanting a hug after they've broken up with you. 

         And she was gone. I have heard hide nor hair from her since.

         note from the present: this seems a particularly confusing post...but it portrays the pure confusion of the time i hope

dating blues: giselle #3

lets just get right to it shall we?
(thanks for the well-wishes btw, i think i have re-entered the land of the living!)

giselle #3

we began to see each other fairly frequently; partaking in all those sickeningly cute date things:
ice cream and window shopping
making out on the couch until one in the morning
hiking; sitting at the top for hours talking, getting sunburned
drinking cheap wine and kissing in street
playing billiards with a group of collage boys(i like to think we CREAMED them)
we danced
we laughed
we cuddled
we met each others friends:
     she charmed everyone with her smile and infectious happiness
     her friends laughed at my jokes and ooo'd over my gold star status
she was nervous and cautious about sleeping together...i waited patiently (no really!) until she was ready.
it was worth the wait
i made her chocolate chip pancakes, she told me i was incredible
    i told her she was beautiful. she kissed me, chocolate still on her lips

she became my champion while i vied three men for a promotion at work
i became her rock as she dealt with family crisis and health issues
we volunteered on thanksgiving; were late to dinner due to mad, passionate shower sex

we had decided not to rush into labeling whatever it was we had going...
     at one point she said, "are you my girl?"
     i answered by singing "My Girl" by The Temptations
     she fit perfectly in my arms as we slow danced

she would roll over in the night, wrap around her legs around me and whisper in my ear "you are amazing"


her very catholic, very Puerto Rican parents where coming to town. sh asked me if i would be willing to meet them. i was beyond surprised but agreed....
and somehow, a shift began....

Dating Blues:Giselle #1

after a hot and heavy evening of washing dishes and folding clothes, i am curled up in bed with a very sore throat, a very restless puppy and a very soulful Patsy Cline. 

happy fucking valentines day

but, lets not dwell here...lets talk about Giselle. 

that will be much more fun. 

September 2011

Tuesday finally came...i was feeling quite dapper in my best fall weather sweater, Levi's and chucks. I waited at the bar for a woman i barely knew...who i could only recognize from bite size photos on an online dating service...what was i thinking?!!? When she arrived,however, Giselle put a silly smirk on my face immediately. She walked in grinning, an informal "hey there" slipped off her tongue and tickled my ears...have i mentioned how sexy her voice was? damn, she was cute, with her curly hair and little specs....her olive skin and wide eyes. and, by some miracle, she was just about an inch shorter than me (a miracle because i be real, real short). she refused all first date conversation so we spent our time sharing difficult coming out stories, gushing over the sheer joy of thrifting and just how many Steven Segal movies are there really? we agonized over how hard it is to find decent dates...

"but" she said, "i think i may have finally found someone decent."

a few hours later, i walked her to her car...and stole a quick hug...she was soft and smelled oh so good.

she giggled as she got into her car, excited to tell her friends that she may have just met a pretty neat gal. i walked home, light as a feather and bubbling over with excitement. i had no expectation other than i really wanted to see her again.
next time on dating blues: giselle #2!

Pause for important message

I have decided to let myself have a RANDOM BITCH FEST once a week. IF and only IF i also counteract that with a RANDOM THANKFULNESS PARTY...so here you are, folks.
RANDOM BITCH FEST #1:
1. It snowed over two feet this past weekend, it just started snowing again and my pansy ass little car is definitely stuck in a snow drift...great.
2. In an effort to be kind, i tried to help a guy push his car out of a snow bank and in so doing set my YUMMY FUCKING YUMMY take-out box of vegan amazing-ness in an adjacent pile of snow...into which a dumb ass slammed his car thus obliterating my vegan po-boy.  

3. my best gal, Shelby the goat-faced dog is sick...not only is she sick, she "got" sick all over my apartment...the apartment smells like death and she is looking pretty peeked herself :(
4. I just realized that every single damn work shirt i own has a stain of dubious origins right around the first button hole...fml!

RANDOM THANKFULNESS PARTY #1:
1. The communal laundry facilities in my building actually worked this evening meaning i have super warm, clean sheets to sleep in tonight. its the little things
2. even though my pooch is sick, she is amazingly soft and cuddly and running in her sleep...how fucking adorable.
3. the roomie finally got rid of her wine bottle collection(which was borderline hoarder style) AND the god-awful, shit brown, elephant sized ottoman she kept around for god knows what reason...there is so much extra room in the living area i could actually break dance in there if i wanted to.
4. i found out this morning that in two months time, i will be facilitating a one on one training session with the most beautiful woman in the office...i have decided that during that time she will see the error of her straight ways and join me on the "dark" side...how fucking exciting.

for more dating blues...please stay tuned

dating blues:what next?

September 2011:

in my refreshing state of lesbo revival, i began to think about how on earth was i going to approach dating this time...

past approaches have left much to be desired...

dating in college (christian college for me!) inevitably leads to the "passionate friendship". how i hate "passionate friendships"...they always leave you pining after the pussy that got away. you know the one, "i really care about you, but i just don't think i can go that far. The Bible says that’s wrong!”   NICE   -.-

in my barista years, dating customers eventually led to this conversation:

her, "so, i used to be a stripper."

me, “OK, that i can definitely work with. “

her, "oh, and my husband helped me pick out my outfit for this date. do you like it?"

me, “I'm sorry what did you just say?”

her, "yeah, my husband is really supportive of me...you'd like him. would you like to meet him?

" husband?“ i whisper.

"yeah, he's a cop!"

I clear throat nervously, “oh dear god. is that my phone?”

always a fun one!

dating family friends is always awkward...especially when the break-up happens. someone is going to lose an entire social network of friends and family, which is heartbreaking...and that someone is usually me. (poor little me)

so...what am i left with? cruising bars for a possible love interest? as soon as i enter a bar...my mouth drys up cotton style and lucid thought escapes me.. i am terrified to make that first move...something stupid like, "did it hurt when you stepped on that rake?...i mean when you fell from... wait...do the angles miss you? uh,i think i may have my cliche's mixed up" will come spilling out of my mouth...making any later romantic encounter impossible.

i could join the local women's rugby team...I hear that they could all be queer...what a great way to network... until someone breaks a leg or tears a rotator cuff.  i am just a scrawny wee broad...have you seen women rugby players? they are strong, brick like women who could break me...i like being able to walk.

WHATS LEFT?!? i ask my roommate, who is currently updating her online dating profile. she smirks at me, "well duh, online dating. how else are you going to meet people...you can PRESCREEN!"

WHATS LEFT?!? i ask my co-workers - "have you tried online dating? my brother’s wife's cousin found her partner online...and there’s that gay guy in accounting...he found his boy toy online...everyone is doing it!”

What's LEFT?!? i ask Shelby the goat-faced dog. her answer? "my friend Fido down at the dog park found his soul-mate on dog n' dates.com...he is very happy."

“OK, OK! i get the point!” i murmured.

and so set about to creating a online dating profile...

dating blues:the beginning

It's official, i am EXHAUSTED! one too many failed first dates has me absolutely knackered. I'm not even sure what day it is?  Am I late for a date? I just don't think my brain(or my heart) can take another first date! The past few experiences are a storytellers wet dream. My head is spinning with tales, my fingers ache to type them....but I really am getting ahead of myself. This trek down dating doldrums drive began months ago when my first SERIOUS relationship was suddenly falling apart in a fiery mess.

May 2011:

my phone rang. i heard her special ring-tone, "sweet disposition" by Temper Trap. it always reminded me of the week we had spent together in New York. Those were the days! My heart already knew what she was going to say but was hoping i meant more to her that a phone break up. “not over the phone!” i pleaded.  but, as it went, she chose to break my heart over the phone....(what a pansy!) stating that annoying cop-out, “i just don’t feel this is good for me right now.”  To me that says, “I'm just not into you anymore but am just too chicken shit to just say it.”

but who really knows?? Maybe our relationship had become something that was not good for her...or maybe she was just using that as an excuse...either way...why could she not have told me to my face? It would have been nice to have that common decency afforded to me!

well, there i sat, in Commons Park, crying. A really big, ugly cry! Crying and thinking about all the shitty mcshit-shit she had said during the past couple of weeks...was it all true? was i emotionally stunted? did i not know myself well enough to be in a relationship? i didn't cry much about nearly being disowned by my family, something must be wrong with me, right? did other people think i needed to be babied in social situations? was i really as pitiful a picture as she painted me to be?  i wearily thought,  

"this is going to be a rough couple of months."

AND BOY WERE THEY EVER! i spent a few weeks weeping into my Wheaties,consuming copious amounts of kettle corn and swallowing Tylenol pm like water. I became, for a few weeks, a functioning alcoholic. Caring just enough  to be on time and do the bare minimum. It really was quite lovely. then came the running. i ran for miles, stopping only for work, eat and sleep. pounding out the hurt, i listened to wild dub-step and screamed at random intervals causing passersby much alarm. I'm sure my neighbors were pleased when my obsession with singing "Creep" day and night was finally over. Thoughtless well doers said, “Why don't you start dating again?” and i puked on their shoes. The idea of being with someone else sounded horrific to me...I couldn't imagine feeling that why again. ! i spent time alone, learning how to enjoy my own company again. i saw old friends who let me word vomit all over them and then said, "its so nice to see you again! its been too long." i purchased a car and bragged about it on facebook. i read books that I wanted to read. i watched the TV shows that i wanted to watch. i went to parties...and didn't have worry about how my gf would interact with my friends and vice versa. i talked to my parents on the phone for the first time in nearly a year and went to church. I bought mens underwear, suspenders and Buddy Holly glasses.i started doing push-ups and drinking chocolate protein shakes.  

one morning i sat at my desk and thought simply, "I am Happy"

what happened next was what i like to call "Lesbian Revival".

PRAISE JESUS, HALLELUJAH, I SAW THE LIGHT!. there were girls everywhere,all of them mouth-watering-ly beautiful. i was keenly aware of every woman around me...they were gorgeous and soft and smelled good. Legs and boobs and lips and skin....GAWD who had been keeping these women hidden?? they were funny and clever and graceful. open and caring and sweet. I am reminded of that scene from Bound: Violet and Corky are gettin’ some lovin’  and at some point Corky cries out "i can see again" ...except without the sex. the moment i became "ok" with me again.... could see! women, women as far as the eye could see...and i wanted them all!

            stay tuned for more....Dating Blues!