reality bites

Make that Harper and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

    

 this is me today....seriously. it is one goddamn thing after another. 

Blow after blow...my soul is feeling rather bruised and bloody.

I hate when the tears are so close to spilling over that you have to tilt your head back

looking into the harsh florescent lights

blinking faster than beating hummingbird wings to keep them from tumbling over the edge.

and the people keep calling

the people you work endlessly to help

people whose life are WAY shittier than yours

they keep calling

and you start feeling guilty for feeling so shitty when they are in deeper shit than you

and that makes it worse and the tears come back

one misguided blink and they trip over your eyelashes

slide silently over your cheek.

you wonder if you can attribute tears and red eyes to allergies?

marg from IT walks by as you take another call;

squinting at you

you clear your throat to quell the shake in your voice.

and all you want to do is smoke

but you're trying to quit

quitting sucks ass

smoking is such an expensive habit.

you try retreating to the bathroom

there are woman gabbing about t-ball practice and that bitch in accounting

maybe the break room is empty

there are men talking about march madness and that bitch in accounting

you walk outside

the smokers are outside

back to your desk 

you work

all the while watching the clock for quittin' time

then you can go home and cry for real

or eat copious amounts of mac n' cheese

or drink that bottle of bourbon

instead you go home and put on that old, blue cardigan

the one that looks like something dad would have worn in '79

you listen to 

Six Days at the Bottom of the Ocean 

by Explosions in the Sky

anger, frustration, failure and alienation begin to fade

now you are just cold

your body aches for sun

for warmth

for strength

you search the sky for signs of life

i desperately want someone strong and beautiful to sing me this song tonight...but ray will do in a pinch. :) 

dating blues: Giselle #4

i do believe i have a story to finish:

December 2011

 
The following week, after Giselle asked me if would meet her parents, i began to notice a change. I was still enjoying myself with her...whatever it was that we were doing seemed to be progressing. It was when we were not together, i noticed the shift.there was a nagging in the back of my head.subtle at first...so subtle i ignored it.

 
Christmas was coming and i was swamped with work, the holidays and getting ready to see the family(always a blast) .life was a bit of a blur but i tried to make time for nurturing her, us; especially before i went home for Christmas. I went to see her right before leaving for home, bringing a simple, wee gift. She ooo'd and awed over it...ate some of the candy and set it aside. i tried not to notice that she had not thought to get one for me.

   
     She snuggled into my arms and whispered, "I think I'm going to miss you while you are gone." 

my heart soared

     

    "which is strange because...." and here she trailed off mumbling about not liking being monogamous and not really feeling very strongly....

my heart began to sink...i was clearly missing something....

     

     "what?" i asked

    "oh you know...i used to not like being monogamous but i think i am going to miss you while you are gone"

what do those two concepts in common??

   
i had to catch my flight, leaving very confused and pondering her words.

   
The first few days of my holiday, Giselle texted me constantly.

     "omg, i miss you so much"

     "when are coming home?"

     "you are so damn funny...i can't wait to see you again."

     we talked more those first few days than we had the past three months....on one hand my hopes were rising. on the other hand...something was off-kilter.

     and then the texting stopped. almost completely. she had gone to visit her family and was seeing a bunch of old friends. I wasn't expecting her to be in constant contact with me...how selfish! but one text every couple of days?

     i returned to Denver....rarely hearing from Giselle. I had agreed to pick her up from the airport and was looking forward to seeing her...convinced that it would all makes sense once we say each other and could have a real conversation. 

     She was tired and stressed when i picked her up. "why didn't you just wait in the pick up area?" 

     "because i thought it would be nice to pick you up here inside...i can help with your bags..."

     "oh, thanks. i would have just waited out there."

     BLERG!

     I took her home....we went straight to bed. I left early to get to work. 

     Later, we agreed to share pizza and movie with some friends at their house. I showed up wearing the same shirt as she(ON ACCIDENT!). Her friends ribbed us, calling us "those lesbians". Giselle was spunky and cute, holding my hand as i drove, making fun conversation. She spooned me while watching the movie, whispering, "i cant wait to get you home"

      Once at home she complained of a stomach ache and went to bed. I lied awake.

     The next day we chatted off and on throughout work....i was gathering momentum to ask her to clarify a few things for me. As i arrived home, sluffing off my work clothes, she showed up at my door. I was pleasantly surprised and simultaneously troubled. I asked if she was ok? she skirted the question, sat on my couch and watched tv. I made myself dinner, washed dishes, chatted with my roomie...all the while she sat in the living room watching the tube. She ate some of my food, drank some of my vodka and then laid on my bed for two hours. 

      At long last, she yawned and said, "well, i need to get going but i did come here to say something to you."

      My hear was in my throat...i already knew what she was going to say.

      It took her at least ten minutes of hemming and hawing, sighing and crying to say these words:

      "I just don't feel for you what i feel like i should feel for you."

      "What do you want to feel?" i asked

      "Yearning"   ??? ugh

      I sat in silence for a while...not sure what to say next...my tongue was tied with the confusion of the last few weeks. 

      ":i don't want to overstay my welcome...you know you can kick me out whenever you want, right"

       "Yes, of course," i said, "its my house, i know that i can kick you out whenever i want. I'm trying to decide if i have anything to say to you or not."

        A few trite break-up phrases, a few tears and a few more minutes of silence and she got up to leave. She requested a hug and i said something rude about women always wanting a hug after they've broken up with you. 

         And she was gone. I have heard hide nor hair from her since.

         note from the present: this seems a particularly confusing post...but it portrays the pure confusion of the time i hope