dating blues: on with show

Mid January 2012

I was confused more than hurt when Giselle went her separate way. And I bore her no ill will. You can't blame a girl for knowing who she doesn't want to be with. i had had more fun with her in those few short months than i had had in years...so i thanked my lucky stars for that and set about to have some serious ME time.

HA!! That never seems to last very long. I have to FORCE myself to take the time to process, heal, reconnect with self.

I hemmed and hawed for about a week, blabbing to friends about writing more, painting more, exercise and volunteering. I was on my way to some quality me time.

"I don't think I'll get back on the site...not for a while anyway"

"Yeah right" The Roomie scoffed, "you'll be back on in a week."

"You don't even KNOW!" i countered.

I hate when she's right...hate, hate, hate.

Well, it was more like two weeks...but still...i was back on way before i needed to be. dammit

I made a few changes, added some new photos and unhid my profile.

I smirked at the computer screen "bring it, ladies."

You will never, i mean NEVER, guess who show up first on "my matches". seriously, you won't believe it....

CIELO!!! Remember her? That beautiful butch that got away...? (see dating blues: lookin' for love ) There she was in all her butch glory, just as handsome as ever and still talking about quantum physics. *sigh*

There was no way i was going to let her get away this time...without at least trying to chat with her!!

I typed up a simple email including a cleverly placed quote by a well-renowned quantum physicist and pressed send...

dating blues: Giselle #4

i do believe i have a story to finish:

December 2011

 
The following week, after Giselle asked me if would meet her parents, i began to notice a change. I was still enjoying myself with her...whatever it was that we were doing seemed to be progressing. It was when we were not together, i noticed the shift.there was a nagging in the back of my head.subtle at first...so subtle i ignored it.

 
Christmas was coming and i was swamped with work, the holidays and getting ready to see the family(always a blast) .life was a bit of a blur but i tried to make time for nurturing her, us; especially before i went home for Christmas. I went to see her right before leaving for home, bringing a simple, wee gift. She ooo'd and awed over it...ate some of the candy and set it aside. i tried not to notice that she had not thought to get one for me.

   
     She snuggled into my arms and whispered, "I think I'm going to miss you while you are gone." 

my heart soared

     

    "which is strange because...." and here she trailed off mumbling about not liking being monogamous and not really feeling very strongly....

my heart began to sink...i was clearly missing something....

     

     "what?" i asked

    "oh you know...i used to not like being monogamous but i think i am going to miss you while you are gone"

what do those two concepts in common??

   
i had to catch my flight, leaving very confused and pondering her words.

   
The first few days of my holiday, Giselle texted me constantly.

     "omg, i miss you so much"

     "when are coming home?"

     "you are so damn funny...i can't wait to see you again."

     we talked more those first few days than we had the past three months....on one hand my hopes were rising. on the other hand...something was off-kilter.

     and then the texting stopped. almost completely. she had gone to visit her family and was seeing a bunch of old friends. I wasn't expecting her to be in constant contact with me...how selfish! but one text every couple of days?

     i returned to Denver....rarely hearing from Giselle. I had agreed to pick her up from the airport and was looking forward to seeing her...convinced that it would all makes sense once we say each other and could have a real conversation. 

     She was tired and stressed when i picked her up. "why didn't you just wait in the pick up area?" 

     "because i thought it would be nice to pick you up here inside...i can help with your bags..."

     "oh, thanks. i would have just waited out there."

     BLERG!

     I took her home....we went straight to bed. I left early to get to work. 

     Later, we agreed to share pizza and movie with some friends at their house. I showed up wearing the same shirt as she(ON ACCIDENT!). Her friends ribbed us, calling us "those lesbians". Giselle was spunky and cute, holding my hand as i drove, making fun conversation. She spooned me while watching the movie, whispering, "i cant wait to get you home"

      Once at home she complained of a stomach ache and went to bed. I lied awake.

     The next day we chatted off and on throughout work....i was gathering momentum to ask her to clarify a few things for me. As i arrived home, sluffing off my work clothes, she showed up at my door. I was pleasantly surprised and simultaneously troubled. I asked if she was ok? she skirted the question, sat on my couch and watched tv. I made myself dinner, washed dishes, chatted with my roomie...all the while she sat in the living room watching the tube. She ate some of my food, drank some of my vodka and then laid on my bed for two hours. 

      At long last, she yawned and said, "well, i need to get going but i did come here to say something to you."

      My hear was in my throat...i already knew what she was going to say.

      It took her at least ten minutes of hemming and hawing, sighing and crying to say these words:

      "I just don't feel for you what i feel like i should feel for you."

      "What do you want to feel?" i asked

      "Yearning"   ??? ugh

      I sat in silence for a while...not sure what to say next...my tongue was tied with the confusion of the last few weeks. 

      ":i don't want to overstay my welcome...you know you can kick me out whenever you want, right"

       "Yes, of course," i said, "its my house, i know that i can kick you out whenever i want. I'm trying to decide if i have anything to say to you or not."

        A few trite break-up phrases, a few tears and a few more minutes of silence and she got up to leave. She requested a hug and i said something rude about women always wanting a hug after they've broken up with you. 

         And she was gone. I have heard hide nor hair from her since.

         note from the present: this seems a particularly confusing post...but it portrays the pure confusion of the time i hope

Dating Blues:Giselle #1

after a hot and heavy evening of washing dishes and folding clothes, i am curled up in bed with a very sore throat, a very restless puppy and a very soulful Patsy Cline. 

happy fucking valentines day

but, lets not dwell here...lets talk about Giselle. 

that will be much more fun. 

September 2011

Tuesday finally came...i was feeling quite dapper in my best fall weather sweater, Levi's and chucks. I waited at the bar for a woman i barely knew...who i could only recognize from bite size photos on an online dating service...what was i thinking?!!? When she arrived,however, Giselle put a silly smirk on my face immediately. She walked in grinning, an informal "hey there" slipped off her tongue and tickled my ears...have i mentioned how sexy her voice was? damn, she was cute, with her curly hair and little specs....her olive skin and wide eyes. and, by some miracle, she was just about an inch shorter than me (a miracle because i be real, real short). she refused all first date conversation so we spent our time sharing difficult coming out stories, gushing over the sheer joy of thrifting and just how many Steven Segal movies are there really? we agonized over how hard it is to find decent dates...

"but" she said, "i think i may have finally found someone decent."

a few hours later, i walked her to her car...and stole a quick hug...she was soft and smelled oh so good.

she giggled as she got into her car, excited to tell her friends that she may have just met a pretty neat gal. i walked home, light as a feather and bubbling over with excitement. i had no expectation other than i really wanted to see her again.
next time on dating blues: giselle #2!