Dating Blues: Cielo #2

Mid - January 2012

I slid into the booth across from Cielo; skin tingling, palms sweating.

There was a moment of bustling and confusion as the waitress came and i ordered a beer...stealing glances at Cielo as she perused the menu. Finally the waitress left and Cielo began to speak:

"so, yeah, um, i just got an email from my mom. she's kinda upset. cuz, you see, my stepdad and i just starting talking again. he was more like my dad that my real dad ever was to me and so we started talking. facebook, you know?"

"uh huh, facebook..."

"and so, she just found out that we were talking...and um she emailed me...and its just a weird thing cuz they  aren't really friends ...and she was hurt by him...and so...you know?'

"um...yeah...that sound like a sticky situation."

"yeah for sure...and like he kinda roughed her up and she's still mad. of course she would be...but i don't want to shut him out...he's sorry and ...well ...you know?"

Umm, sure. So, is your mom really mad right now...or...?" I wasn't sure how i wanted to finish the sentence.

"Well, no...i mean yeah...a little but you know....(no, i don't fucking know) she's just a little upset...cuz you see...my step dad just found me on Facebook and messaged me and i had to write back...and she found out..."

at this she repeated the whole story again. For ten minutes she talked about the situation, never quite finishing a sentence, repeating herself and saying "you know".

We still hadn't ordered dinner...i was considering eating my arm or the tablecloth.. I needed to eat and the waitress was nowhere in sight. She came finally: just as Cielo was trying to repeat the story for a third time.

As we we ordered i took the opportunity to change the subject: we talked about work (turns out she was unemployed and not necessarily looking) we talked about living situations (turns out her housemates were moving out, she was looking for a roommate...hint hint) we talked about our cars (turns out she thinks its weird that not everyone can fix their own brakes) i talked about not sleeping very well (turns out she knows all about how to fix that problem: just buy salt rocks! Or was it rock lamps? )

During this conversation i noticed something very disconcerting. She did not look me in the eyes but once the entire time. She look at the table, her glass, her food, her hands. The one time our eyes actually met was amazing. Her eyes were a shade green i have never seen before...i felt like i could see way down deep where her true self was lurking. But then she looked away again, back to her hands. She repeated to herself often and never seemed to actually finish a sentence; as if her mind was moving at a speed faster than her mouth could keep up with. 

There was a lull in conversation, a lull i didn't know how to fill. I looked up at the rather distracting T.Vs  suspended from the ceiling. 

"Oh, wow!" i said, watching Rick Perry forgetting what to say, "I think i may already be tired of all the Presidential Campaign stuff...."

Cielo glanced up,clearly disinterested. "I don't ever watch T.V. anymore."

"Oh, really? That's cool....T.V. really can take up a lot of time that could be used for doing something productive"

"Yeah, I just remember watching the elections like ten years ago. I was listening to the T.V, from another room and heard this noise during one of the campaign commercials. It was like this beeping noise. BEEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEEP."

I was beginning to feel quite perturbed. This was not going the way i pictured it...not one bit. I closed my eyes for a second as she described that infernal beeping. 

"What do you think the beeping was?" i asked, tone flat.

"Subliminal Messaging, man!"

oh dear god

I couldn't help myself, "What do you think the beeping was trying to tell you?"

"Like, vote for this person or go jump off a bridge! I don't fucking know! but its creepy as shit,dude!"

She began talking about how T.Vs where invented by the Pentagon to keep tabs on the public, how people aren't prepared for whats coming and that she would like to go down fighting rather than drive a car off a cliff like Thelma and Louise. She talked about FEMA building concentration camps (there are videos on YouTube about this but I do not understand them.) and how she wished people would just open their eyes to the truth.

At this point i was quite done. Done eating, done drinking, done talking. She still had about a quarter of her giant steak left. I propped my head up in my hands, waiting for her to finish...listening to her relate her version of the Apocalypse.  

She finally came up for air, i hoped to finish her steak. (please, sweet baby jesus don't let her order desert)

I took the opportunity to rush off to the restroom. I sat in the stall wondering if i had met the right person. Was this really Cielo...was i being Punk'd? I hung out in the restroom longer than necessary.

I sat back down across from Cielo. The look in her eyes said, "I talked too much about conspiracy theories...must save face!"

She began to speak about herself from my point of view....in a British accent, "I say, this lass is a crazy one! Mad as a hatter i tell you! I really must tell all of my friends about my crazy date with a crazy lady." she kept on in this self-deprecating manner, laughing at herself. It was not funny, however. I wanted to grab her by the shirt, shake her a minute and tell her to stop. I didn't know if i should laugh with her or sit there in silence...i did a bit of both as she continued to make fun of herself. 

"well, i come into Denver a lot. so, just hit me up whenever you want. We can get a drink or take the dogs to the park!"

"Ok Cielo, thanks a lot for dinner. I appreciate it! Be safe on your way home."

I took the long way home, heaving a great sigh of disappointment. I felt really dumb for getting my hopes up.

I went home and watched a good two hours of television. I wonder all the beeping was about?

so, a few questions to the public:

1. anyone have a similar experience of getting too excited before a first date only to have it backfire?

2. what would you have done in my place?

3. and...can someone please explain to me the videos about FEMA building concentration camps??

dating blues: Cielo #1

and so i messaged her.

She wrote back; flirty, smart....called me "trouble". I liked that. I felt mischievous...a bit of a bad boi.(i am in fact the exact boring opposite of trouble but i like to think that i am) The conversation was at once both intellectual and comfortable. I remember emailing back and forth so much one afternoon that i would barely get one message out before receiving another from her. We traded numbers quickly and texted late into the night. We chatted on the phone, her voice was deep, husky. 

Now, let me just explain a little something about myself....i am a SLOW mover. Like molasses in January slow. So slow i might as well be moving backwards. I don't allow myself to think in future terms...I do not immediately start planning vacations and picking out baby names. If we gay peeps could get married here in Denver I would have to be drug to the alter. Basically, I try to keep a straight (haha) head, a realistic perspective. I don't like to get ahead of myself....

Not this time,baby! i was running at least a year ahead of schedule. Cielo is a tattoo artist. I began imagining her designing only her best work for me. My back would be covered in her artistic wonder. Cielo is a bit of a mechanic. I imagined her showing me how to fix my water pump. Grease on her hands. Cielo desperately wants to travel. I imagined showing her all of the foreign places i have been, perhaps getting lost in an Austrian village. We both have eclectic groups of friends. I imagined house parties and happy hours with everyone laughing and toasting our l-o-v-e. ALL OF THIS BEFORE I HAD EVEN MET HER!!!

It is a bit embarrassing for me to admit how out of control I was over my own emotions, reactions. Not only was i fast forwarding to the not so near future i was imagining all the things i wanted her to do me. I was definitely imaging her shoving me up against a wall and having her way with me. good god that would have been hot....

HAVE I MENTIONED I HADN'T MET HER YET....??  good grief

We carried on in this matter for almost a week. I kept wanting to ask her to hang out but really wanted her to ask (i was feeling a bit selfish...I ALWAYS ask first)...and finally she did. She picked the place, i picked the time. 

"I am excited to meet you finally" i said...

"I can't wait" she replied

I got to the restaurant right on time (they call me johnny on the spot). Cielo texted me a moment later, "Tell the lady at the front desk your name"

"wha...?"

"um, I'm supposed to tell you my name...harper...?"

"Oh yes...are you here for CIELO?" imagine much inflection and raising of eyebrows in that question.

"yes"

"Right this way" the front desk lady swept away, leading me to a rather dark corner booth where Cielo was nursing a Jack and Coke....

dating blues: on with show

Mid January 2012

I was confused more than hurt when Giselle went her separate way. And I bore her no ill will. You can't blame a girl for knowing who she doesn't want to be with. i had had more fun with her in those few short months than i had had in years...so i thanked my lucky stars for that and set about to have some serious ME time.

HA!! That never seems to last very long. I have to FORCE myself to take the time to process, heal, reconnect with self.

I hemmed and hawed for about a week, blabbing to friends about writing more, painting more, exercise and volunteering. I was on my way to some quality me time.

"I don't think I'll get back on the site...not for a while anyway"

"Yeah right" The Roomie scoffed, "you'll be back on in a week."

"You don't even KNOW!" i countered.

I hate when she's right...hate, hate, hate.

Well, it was more like two weeks...but still...i was back on way before i needed to be. dammit

I made a few changes, added some new photos and unhid my profile.

I smirked at the computer screen "bring it, ladies."

You will never, i mean NEVER, guess who show up first on "my matches". seriously, you won't believe it....

CIELO!!! Remember her? That beautiful butch that got away...? (see dating blues: lookin' for love ) There she was in all her butch glory, just as handsome as ever and still talking about quantum physics. *sigh*

There was no way i was going to let her get away this time...without at least trying to chat with her!!

I typed up a simple email including a cleverly placed quote by a well-renowned quantum physicist and pressed send...

dating blues: giselle #3

lets just get right to it shall we?
(thanks for the well-wishes btw, i think i have re-entered the land of the living!)

giselle #3

we began to see each other fairly frequently; partaking in all those sickeningly cute date things:
ice cream and window shopping
making out on the couch until one in the morning
hiking; sitting at the top for hours talking, getting sunburned
drinking cheap wine and kissing in street
playing billiards with a group of collage boys(i like to think we CREAMED them)
we danced
we laughed
we cuddled
we met each others friends:
     she charmed everyone with her smile and infectious happiness
     her friends laughed at my jokes and ooo'd over my gold star status
she was nervous and cautious about sleeping together...i waited patiently (no really!) until she was ready.
it was worth the wait
i made her chocolate chip pancakes, she told me i was incredible
    i told her she was beautiful. she kissed me, chocolate still on her lips

she became my champion while i vied three men for a promotion at work
i became her rock as she dealt with family crisis and health issues
we volunteered on thanksgiving; were late to dinner due to mad, passionate shower sex

we had decided not to rush into labeling whatever it was we had going...
     at one point she said, "are you my girl?"
     i answered by singing "My Girl" by The Temptations
     she fit perfectly in my arms as we slow danced

she would roll over in the night, wrap around her legs around me and whisper in my ear "you are amazing"


her very catholic, very Puerto Rican parents where coming to town. sh asked me if i would be willing to meet them. i was beyond surprised but agreed....
and somehow, a shift began....

dating blues: giselle #2

I haven't been out of my apartment in almost thirty-hours. Fever, chills and a racking cough have been waging war on my body....it's been a real blast. this morning i decided i couldn't stand another minute in the apartment with the dogs, my roommate and her stationary bike(that thing is loud!),  so i ventured out. i am already exhausted from my three block walk to the local coffee shop...obviously i have not won the war yet. 

but let me not wander too far from my purpose here today:

giselle #2

giselle invited me to her place for dinner a few days after our first date. she couldn't really cook she said, but wanted to me to meet some of her friends (already!?)

i met up with some friends a few days before to discuss our love lives over sweet potato fries and frosty pints of cider. we talked endlessly about our expectations for our upcoming dates. a hug, a kiss, a lay...we each represented various degrees of expectation. at the end of the night we decided on the best way to communicate whether our expectation were realized. (i'm not sure why we could not have just called or texted one another)...but we decided that posting to face book (in code of course) was the best course of action. our code of choice ? "The back of your head is ridiculous", a line from the Mad TV sketch "Can i have your number?" (god, we are an odd bunch!)

A few days before i was to go over to her house, Giselle texted that none of her friends would be able to show...it would be just me and her. how exhilarating ! my excitement increased....i found myself waiting impatiently, again, to see her.

I showed up at her house, seven on the dot, as we had planned. I was feeling a bit disheveled, having come straight from work. She put me at ease, placing a drink in my hand and cooing over the homemade chocolate cookies i had brought (she happened to be IN LOVE with chocolate). She had some chicken marinating and was trying to decide which vegetables to cook. It didn't seem as though she did not know how to cook...but she confessed (in increments) how her roommates had helped her with what to cook, how to cook it and for how long. she was definitely uneasy in the kitchen. She was adorable. I tried to help a little but didn't want to make her feel bad so let her figure it out on her own mostly. Finally, we ate (closer to eight than seven) and this boi was starved. I scarfed her food, which she thought was amazing, and raved about her marinated chicken. We tidied up the kitchen together.

Afterwards, we moved to the living room where we collapsed onto the couch, knees touching. At this point, i began to falter. I was having trouble gauging whether or not she was actually enjoying herself. I was being myself, laughing and telling funny stories...she would respond with "oh my god, stop" or "oh my god, your so funny" but she was also sighing a lot. I interpreted these sighs as boredom. i usually don't have much trouble reading a gals signals...but this evening i was. i shifted closer to her on the couch, she moved closer, then abruptly moved back. i stayed put hoping she mosey back on over....but then her dog would jump in between us...taking up the entire couch...a veritable cock block if you will. (can i say that?) frustration was setting in. i kept wanting to make a move but was thrown off by all of the bored sighs. i was enjoying getting to know her but was not sure if it was mutual.

i began making moves to leave.
she said, "yeah, its getting late. you'd probably better go" BAD SIGN!
she walked me to my car. GOOD SIGN
"i really enjoyed myself tonight" she whispered. GOOD SIGN
"but um...." BAD SIGN
AH! I was so confused!
She was so beautiful standing there in there in the street light. a light wind blowing her perfume all over me....
I was in the process of deciding to make a move despite her conflicting signals...when she took my face in her hands and kissed me. softly, slowly.
ladies and gents, i felt that kiss all the way to my toes.
I moved closer to her, my hands gently pressing her to me. she clasped her arms around my neck, sighing as she relaxed into me...    "now this is what all that sighing was about!" i thought to myself.
it was a simple kiss, not too long not to short...perfect and sweet.
she muttered something about taking it slow, not wanting to rush into anything, not wanting to get hurt.
(yadda yadda, she could have said she believed that elephants perched in trees like the parrots and i wouldn't have cared...i was still caught up in the kiss.)
i agreed with her, of course, it was only the second date after all! I was not about to be the typical dyke and bring my u-haul to the next date...
we said goodnight, as girls do, with a lingering hug and whispered tones...as she turned to go she gave a little scream of excitement and nearly skipped to her door. I drove home with the windows down, music blaring...with a grin i could not wipe away and her taste on my lips.

"the back of your head is ridiculous"

Dating Blues:Giselle #1

after a hot and heavy evening of washing dishes and folding clothes, i am curled up in bed with a very sore throat, a very restless puppy and a very soulful Patsy Cline. 

happy fucking valentines day

but, lets not dwell here...lets talk about Giselle. 

that will be much more fun. 

September 2011

Tuesday finally came...i was feeling quite dapper in my best fall weather sweater, Levi's and chucks. I waited at the bar for a woman i barely knew...who i could only recognize from bite size photos on an online dating service...what was i thinking?!!? When she arrived,however, Giselle put a silly smirk on my face immediately. She walked in grinning, an informal "hey there" slipped off her tongue and tickled my ears...have i mentioned how sexy her voice was? damn, she was cute, with her curly hair and little specs....her olive skin and wide eyes. and, by some miracle, she was just about an inch shorter than me (a miracle because i be real, real short). she refused all first date conversation so we spent our time sharing difficult coming out stories, gushing over the sheer joy of thrifting and just how many Steven Segal movies are there really? we agonized over how hard it is to find decent dates...

"but" she said, "i think i may have finally found someone decent."

a few hours later, i walked her to her car...and stole a quick hug...she was soft and smelled oh so good.

she giggled as she got into her car, excited to tell her friends that she may have just met a pretty neat gal. i walked home, light as a feather and bubbling over with excitement. i had no expectation other than i really wanted to see her again.
next time on dating blues: giselle #2!

dating blues: lookin' for love

and now...back to DATING BLUES:

September 2011:

    the time had come to create my online dating profile....i spent an inordinate amount of time fashioning the obligatory "about me" section: likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses, basically my life story in 1000 characters. easy, right? PFFFFT! I wasted away many an hour picking out the best photos...nature shots, action shots, smiling coquettishly into the camera shots and of course...pet shots. I probably revised my profile ten times before publishing it...absolutely no typos or grammar mistakes allowed! I really was taking it all quite seriously!

    finally my profile was complete and ready for viewing. I pressed "publish" and waited for the onslaught of messages to raid my inbox...

    suffice it to say...my inbox was rather bare for quite some time...until i realized that online dating wasn't much different than walking into a bar...waiting for someone to approach me was a ridiculous notion. so, i winked, and flirted and messaged....poked and IM'd and chatted. There were pages and pages of "your matches"...i browsed them carefully looking for ms. right. 

    One of the first profiles that really caught my eye was of a Beautiful Butch i will call "Cielo" which in Spanish means "sky or heaven". from her blurb it sounded as though Cielo was beyond smart...she talked about abandoned buildings, being comfortable with herself and quantum physics. It was the quantum physics that really hooked me....i began revisiting the subject convinced i would have an intelligent conversation about quantum physics with her at some point. i perused her photos, completely floored by one in particular. She look as if she had just stepped out of the movie "Grease", wearing a tight white tee, hair in a pompadour and sporting a sleek, little mustache. damn if that wasn't hot...oh and did i mention her eyes? the most vivid green you have ever seen...i felt a little lost in them. a bit dramatic? a bit...but i couldn't help myself. i was also was a little mystified...i haven't been attracted to many butch women in my life...but was certainly attracted to this gal. so, out of my comfort zone i crept...vowing to message her the next day when i had time to write an amazing email that blow her away. the next day i logged on and searched for her profile: "this profile does not exist"   WHAT?? i searched high and low for Cielo and could not find her. where the hell had she gone...was  i typing in her username wrong? Jesus! She had disappeared and i was disappointed! BLERG! i did not know, however, that that was not the last I would see of Cielo...(how's that for foreshadowing?) 

    One disappointment down, a million gazillion to go: I chatted with quite a few other chicas before finally setting up an ice cream date with "Samantha". a massage therapist with a St. Bernard. 

     My coworker,"eva" advised "you should try to get a free massage out of this date!" 

   "yes, of course." i replied, " I'll just casually ask 'what's your favorite ice cream? by the way, can i have a free massage?' " right...

     I didn't have the chance to ask for a fucking free massage. As i was heading out she sent me this highly annoying text "i may be late....i stopped by this tattoo shop and the wait is about forty-five minutes long" (WHAT THE FUCK?!) to which i stupidly replied, "oh, ok...no worries". twenty minutes later she texted again..."i don't think i'm going to make it...the wait here is really long and my parents decided not to take care of my dog today...sooooo" to which i also stupidly replied "maybe we can reschedule..." her reply? "k". (OH MY GOD?) to which i DID NOT reply.

     Back i went to "the site"...chatting up a few other lovely ladies. Including one "questioning nineteen year old" whose favorite subject to talk about was The Holocaust (how depressing).

     I was starting to get frustrated when "Giselle" swept into my inbox. To use a cliche it was like a breath of fresh air! Giselle was funny and clever...beyond adorable...and Puerto Rican (for those of you who have never dated a Puerto Rican...PLEASE DO!) She had long curly hair and glasses, two traits i cannot resist. Her subject lines were random and hilarious: "the cat is stuck in the underwear drawer again" and other such silliness. We messaged daily...texted frequently and finally spoke on the phone. What a sexy, husky voice she had! After a few days we agreed to meet on Tuesday at "Double Daughters" downtown.

       I waited, impatiently, for Tuesday...

to be continued

    

dating blues:what next?

September 2011:

in my refreshing state of lesbo revival, i began to think about how on earth was i going to approach dating this time...

past approaches have left much to be desired...

dating in college (christian college for me!) inevitably leads to the "passionate friendship". how i hate "passionate friendships"...they always leave you pining after the pussy that got away. you know the one, "i really care about you, but i just don't think i can go that far. The Bible says that’s wrong!”   NICE   -.-

in my barista years, dating customers eventually led to this conversation:

her, "so, i used to be a stripper."

me, “OK, that i can definitely work with. “

her, "oh, and my husband helped me pick out my outfit for this date. do you like it?"

me, “I'm sorry what did you just say?”

her, "yeah, my husband is really supportive of me...you'd like him. would you like to meet him?

" husband?“ i whisper.

"yeah, he's a cop!"

I clear throat nervously, “oh dear god. is that my phone?”

always a fun one!

dating family friends is always awkward...especially when the break-up happens. someone is going to lose an entire social network of friends and family, which is heartbreaking...and that someone is usually me. (poor little me)

so...what am i left with? cruising bars for a possible love interest? as soon as i enter a bar...my mouth drys up cotton style and lucid thought escapes me.. i am terrified to make that first move...something stupid like, "did it hurt when you stepped on that rake?...i mean when you fell from... wait...do the angles miss you? uh,i think i may have my cliche's mixed up" will come spilling out of my mouth...making any later romantic encounter impossible.

i could join the local women's rugby team...I hear that they could all be queer...what a great way to network... until someone breaks a leg or tears a rotator cuff.  i am just a scrawny wee broad...have you seen women rugby players? they are strong, brick like women who could break me...i like being able to walk.

WHATS LEFT?!? i ask my roommate, who is currently updating her online dating profile. she smirks at me, "well duh, online dating. how else are you going to meet people...you can PRESCREEN!"

WHATS LEFT?!? i ask my co-workers - "have you tried online dating? my brother’s wife's cousin found her partner online...and there’s that gay guy in accounting...he found his boy toy online...everyone is doing it!”

What's LEFT?!? i ask Shelby the goat-faced dog. her answer? "my friend Fido down at the dog park found his soul-mate on dog n' dates.com...he is very happy."

“OK, OK! i get the point!” i murmured.

and so set about to creating a online dating profile...