dating blues: dates who look like exes and bois who don't like other bois

so, there i was, two short days after cielo turned out to be insane, ready to go on yet another first date. except, this time, i really did not want to go. The only thing helping me keep the date was curiosity.

well, curiosity killed the cat.

There is a nifty little bar near my house called Jonesy's. good food, good drinks, good service. When you first arrive, you actually enter a very small foyer of sorts, closed off my thick, floor length curtains. I am not entirely sure why they are there, but they gave me a chance to survey the room without being seen. I scanned the bar looking for a gal with mid length, brownish hair. Instead, at the end of the bar talking on her phone, i saw....  MY EX?!?!?! (the very ex that inspired this blog. see: dating blues: the beginning) what the fuck? i was immediately sick to my stomach and feeling quite faint. What the hell was she doing here...and where was my date? How was i going to slip past the ex and find Aussie? I peeked out from behind the curtains, studying  the back of my exes head.

"Wait a sec..." i told myself, "That's not the ex...!" I slipped out from behind the mauve curtains to get a closer look without seeming suspicious. From a different vantage point, i realized (with great relief) that the girl was not the ex...oh thank you god!

"Geeze, that could totally be her twin...i wonder if she knows she has a doppelganger running around out there?"

 But where the hell was this Aussie gal...?

There was no one else in the bar that could possibly be my date...two dudes and an ancient blue hair? I think not... i slid a little closer to the bar hoping the ex look-a-like was not my date. well, she was. she looked nothing like her profile pic...with short, ginger hair. You would think she could have updated that photo!

I moved into her line of sight as she got off the phone....we made the usual "pleased to make your acquaintance" pleasantries while i slipped onto a bar stool and ordered a beer. We talked fairly easily, nothing too interesting but not all that exhilarating either. To be quite honest, the rest of the evening was not that bad....but not really all that memorable. We had similarly religious backgrounds, she thought my hair cut was VERY GAY(whatever that means), and she said she spent most of her time in coffee shops and pubs writing her crime novel. She bitched a little bit about being bored...and i thought, "at least you have the means to actually take all that time off!!! You could do whatever you wanted!" The conversation waned a bit here and there...until i thought of something else silly to say. She asked very few questions, leaving it up to me to carry the convo. It was getting close to nine o'clock when she spotted something  on the TV hanging over the bar. It was some sort of celebrity trash and bash show and she talked endlessly about how stupid it was but couldn't seem to stop watching it. Then, to my horror, The Jersey Shore came on.

she exclaimed, "oh my... I've never actually seen this show. It seems really stupid."
"count your blessings," i said dryly, "i had this girlfriend who watched it religiously. I hope to god i never see another episode."

apparently, whatever i said that night, the opposite happened. There she sat, eyes fixed on the screen.... quick bursts of laughter choking out of her followed by, "oh my god, are these people for real?"

" i think that's why it's called Reality TV."

and so, for the next forty five mins she sat and watched and commented on the excessive amount of tanning.

I was beginning to feel pretty knackered and slightly grumpy...i finished off my beer and started making moves to leave...she finally tore herself from the TV screen and we walked outside.

"Well, that was fun. really nice meeting you. I'll see you around!"  she walked to her car....i walked home.

Not the worst date, not the best....unmemorable at the most. and now that i've typed that it sounds jackass-ish....but i really cant stand The Jersey Shore! i'm an ass right?

Two days later i found myself heading out to YET ANOTHER FIRST DATE. This time slightly more interested than the last bust still not exactly jumping for joy. This time it was with "hip", the bike-riding chef. I met her at an small coffee shop where the coffee was literally AMAZING. I could tell she was automatically surprised by my appearance.I'm not sure why since i had the exact same haircut as in all my online photos, i was wearing similar clothing and was even wearing my glasses. But, then again i was surprised by hers as well...she looked exactly the same as she did in her photos too though. I think what was surprising is how similar we were. If "boi" could have an exact picture image we would be it. I think we both assumed one of us would be the more feminine...instead we matched each other: faux hawk for faux, american eagle boxer briefs for american eagle boxer briefs. She seemed either really nervous about it or slightly put off...i couldn't tell which. We had a lot in common though, including the love of literature, creative writing, tattoos and stout beer. We had both not owned cars at some point in our adult lives, deciding to bike or take public transit instead,  and talked about the need to work outside...gardening, ect. We sat there for about two and a half hours drinking enough java to kill a large elephant. Finally, she suggested we walk down to Tattered Cover (an awesome locally owned book store) to peruse our favorite authors. We walked in the crisp air, stopping at a couple of curiosity shops, talking about Ethiopian food and gullible women.

Once at Tattered Cover, it seemed that either she was unable to cope with the fact that we shared very few of the same favorite authors or she was just getting bored. We tooled around the store for another half hour before she just sort of walked out... i followed her out hoping she perhaps wanted to sit outside for a moment. Instead, she suggested we go back to pick up her bike and walk me to my car.

 "oh, well, i guess we're done here." i thought to myself. We walked back, no meandering this time, and soon i was being dropped off at my car. I suggested we grab a beer sometime seeing as how we both enjoyed a good stout. She agreed and off she rode on her bike.

I found her perplexing but was intrigued. A few days later i texted her. "I really enjoyed meeting you the other day. I would love to grab that beer with you soon, ect ect"

her reply, "enjoyed meeting you too. keep in touch"

keep in touch? what the hell...? thats what you say to relatives who move away or business associates you don't really need anymore....

I have a no idea what she actually meant by it...but i took it to mean, "Im not really interested in seeing you again but am to polite to actually say so. have a nice life"

After these two rather unsuccessful dates I found myself, in a rash of annoyance, deleting my online dating profile. As soon as I did, i felt a wave of relief. I have been online dating free for a few months now...its really quite lovely.

However, the past month has been rather lonesome. Instead of filling that with dating, i decided to take a larger interest in my community and signed up to volunteer at the local GLBT center. I also joined a Lesbian Book club...a bit odd...but am looking forward to at least getting free coffee and pastries at the meetings ha! I have been more active: hiking with the pooch, working out (this body really does need whipping into shape) and i bought a bike. I even got a library card with which i checked out five books from famous 1920s authors.

I hear that if you stop looking, the right gal will just fall into your lap....

i guess we shall see

BFF's, Burlesque and Boxer Briefs

You know when there is little place in your hear where you BFF resides? And how when you don't get to live near them or see them...that little place aches dully until you get to finally be with the? There is a little place in my hear that has been aching off and on for 10 years. 

When i was seven, hiding behind my mother who was dragging into yet another new classroom, i met MY BFF. She saw me peeking out from behind my mothers polyester pants and offered me her goldfish...we were pretty near inseparable until we graduated from high school. 

After high school we headed our separate ways fulling expecting live near each other. She would marry and start a family and i would bash around the world writing my memoirs. She did get married. I did bash around the world. However, we never lived closer than 500 miles to each other. We talked on the phone...i tried to visit as often as i could....but life has a way of completely fucking with our plans.

For the past three years we have been talking about how great it would be if she could move her family out to denver. Her husband is a firefighter...he could get a job here...right? 

They tried for ages...he flew to denver for interviews time and time again. To no avail. 

Two months ago he was offered a job. This past Friday, for the first time in nearly five years, i saw my BFF. There she was...same forever long hair, same smile...same hands...only now she is a mother of four. A devoted wife and mother, cooking healthy meals and recycling. She saves money by the bucket full coupon-ing and stocking up at costco. She is the mother of an Aspy kid...so loving and patient and kind. She is, in many ways, different than that little girl offering me her goldfish...and yet...she is still exactly the same. We sat up until the wee hours of the morning laughing and talking just like in the old days. Only now our conversations are about grownup things....her child having Asperbergers, me being a raving lesbo...in-laws and finances...car trouble and taxes...politics and religion. 

I woke up in her house Saturday morning...feeling quite parched and wondering where i was (you know how beer and whiskey can muddle things) I pondered us for a moment; completely different completely the same....that achy place in my heart not quite so achy.

so yeah...that was an awesome start to my weekend!

Saturday night turned out to be quite amazing as well...

why you ask?

one word:  BURLESQUE

I have this hilarious friend who calls himself the Irish Jew...he plays the guitar and performs comedy sketches at Lannies Clocktower Cabaret. I finally made it out to catch his act...

I caught so much more than that: i caught Cabaret Fever. I've never seen so many talented (and sexy) young women all in one place. They danced and sang and swung tassels around on their nipples. (HOW DO THEY DO THAT?) There was a gorgeous lady named Midnight Martini who swung herself around on a ring suspended from the ceiling. She accomplished such wild and exciting gymnastic feats that blew my mind and caused me dream about her later. We were each given these horrid little noise makers which i nearly wore out and became quite horse with shouting (the MC asked us to be loud and obnoxious just in case you were wondering). Who needs strip clubs when you've got Cabarets...so much more talent involved and you don't leave feeling sleaze dripping off of you. Not only were the young women amazingly talented, my friend was also quite hysterical...who knew he could impersonate Bob Dylan so well? I wish i had had a video camera!

so, friday night i spent drinking with BFF, saturday night i spent watching lovely ladies throw their clothes off, and Sunday night i found a bunch of boxer briefs on sale. (trunks to be exact) and not just any trunks. American Eagle trunks! I do not know why but i I LOVE American Eagle underwear...especially their boxer briefs. They are snug and comfortable...just the right length and always in my favorite colors. *sigh* Throw in the sale and i was one happy Boi...I am easy to please.

and there you have it folks...the key to a happy weekend...

bff's, burlesque and boxer briefs

happy tuesday

Pause for important message

I have decided to let myself have a RANDOM BITCH FEST once a week. IF and only IF i also counteract that with a RANDOM THANKFULNESS PARTY...so here you are, folks.
RANDOM BITCH FEST #1:
1. It snowed over two feet this past weekend, it just started snowing again and my pansy ass little car is definitely stuck in a snow drift...great.
2. In an effort to be kind, i tried to help a guy push his car out of a snow bank and in so doing set my YUMMY FUCKING YUMMY take-out box of vegan amazing-ness in an adjacent pile of snow...into which a dumb ass slammed his car thus obliterating my vegan po-boy.  

3. my best gal, Shelby the goat-faced dog is sick...not only is she sick, she "got" sick all over my apartment...the apartment smells like death and she is looking pretty peeked herself :(
4. I just realized that every single damn work shirt i own has a stain of dubious origins right around the first button hole...fml!

RANDOM THANKFULNESS PARTY #1:
1. The communal laundry facilities in my building actually worked this evening meaning i have super warm, clean sheets to sleep in tonight. its the little things
2. even though my pooch is sick, she is amazingly soft and cuddly and running in her sleep...how fucking adorable.
3. the roomie finally got rid of her wine bottle collection(which was borderline hoarder style) AND the god-awful, shit brown, elephant sized ottoman she kept around for god knows what reason...there is so much extra room in the living area i could actually break dance in there if i wanted to.
4. i found out this morning that in two months time, i will be facilitating a one on one training session with the most beautiful woman in the office...i have decided that during that time she will see the error of her straight ways and join me on the "dark" side...how fucking exciting.

for more dating blues...please stay tuned

dating blues:what next?

September 2011:

in my refreshing state of lesbo revival, i began to think about how on earth was i going to approach dating this time...

past approaches have left much to be desired...

dating in college (christian college for me!) inevitably leads to the "passionate friendship". how i hate "passionate friendships"...they always leave you pining after the pussy that got away. you know the one, "i really care about you, but i just don't think i can go that far. The Bible says that’s wrong!”   NICE   -.-

in my barista years, dating customers eventually led to this conversation:

her, "so, i used to be a stripper."

me, “OK, that i can definitely work with. “

her, "oh, and my husband helped me pick out my outfit for this date. do you like it?"

me, “I'm sorry what did you just say?”

her, "yeah, my husband is really supportive of me...you'd like him. would you like to meet him?

" husband?“ i whisper.

"yeah, he's a cop!"

I clear throat nervously, “oh dear god. is that my phone?”

always a fun one!

dating family friends is always awkward...especially when the break-up happens. someone is going to lose an entire social network of friends and family, which is heartbreaking...and that someone is usually me. (poor little me)

so...what am i left with? cruising bars for a possible love interest? as soon as i enter a bar...my mouth drys up cotton style and lucid thought escapes me.. i am terrified to make that first move...something stupid like, "did it hurt when you stepped on that rake?...i mean when you fell from... wait...do the angles miss you? uh,i think i may have my cliche's mixed up" will come spilling out of my mouth...making any later romantic encounter impossible.

i could join the local women's rugby team...I hear that they could all be queer...what a great way to network... until someone breaks a leg or tears a rotator cuff.  i am just a scrawny wee broad...have you seen women rugby players? they are strong, brick like women who could break me...i like being able to walk.

WHATS LEFT?!? i ask my roommate, who is currently updating her online dating profile. she smirks at me, "well duh, online dating. how else are you going to meet people...you can PRESCREEN!"

WHATS LEFT?!? i ask my co-workers - "have you tried online dating? my brother’s wife's cousin found her partner online...and there’s that gay guy in accounting...he found his boy toy online...everyone is doing it!”

What's LEFT?!? i ask Shelby the goat-faced dog. her answer? "my friend Fido down at the dog park found his soul-mate on dog n' dates.com...he is very happy."

“OK, OK! i get the point!” i murmured.

and so set about to creating a online dating profile...

dating blues:the beginning

It's official, i am EXHAUSTED! one too many failed first dates has me absolutely knackered. I'm not even sure what day it is?  Am I late for a date? I just don't think my brain(or my heart) can take another first date! The past few experiences are a storytellers wet dream. My head is spinning with tales, my fingers ache to type them....but I really am getting ahead of myself. This trek down dating doldrums drive began months ago when my first SERIOUS relationship was suddenly falling apart in a fiery mess.

May 2011:

my phone rang. i heard her special ring-tone, "sweet disposition" by Temper Trap. it always reminded me of the week we had spent together in New York. Those were the days! My heart already knew what she was going to say but was hoping i meant more to her that a phone break up. “not over the phone!” i pleaded.  but, as it went, she chose to break my heart over the phone....(what a pansy!) stating that annoying cop-out, “i just don’t feel this is good for me right now.”  To me that says, “I'm just not into you anymore but am just too chicken shit to just say it.”

but who really knows?? Maybe our relationship had become something that was not good for her...or maybe she was just using that as an excuse...either way...why could she not have told me to my face? It would have been nice to have that common decency afforded to me!

well, there i sat, in Commons Park, crying. A really big, ugly cry! Crying and thinking about all the shitty mcshit-shit she had said during the past couple of weeks...was it all true? was i emotionally stunted? did i not know myself well enough to be in a relationship? i didn't cry much about nearly being disowned by my family, something must be wrong with me, right? did other people think i needed to be babied in social situations? was i really as pitiful a picture as she painted me to be?  i wearily thought,  

"this is going to be a rough couple of months."

AND BOY WERE THEY EVER! i spent a few weeks weeping into my Wheaties,consuming copious amounts of kettle corn and swallowing Tylenol pm like water. I became, for a few weeks, a functioning alcoholic. Caring just enough  to be on time and do the bare minimum. It really was quite lovely. then came the running. i ran for miles, stopping only for work, eat and sleep. pounding out the hurt, i listened to wild dub-step and screamed at random intervals causing passersby much alarm. I'm sure my neighbors were pleased when my obsession with singing "Creep" day and night was finally over. Thoughtless well doers said, “Why don't you start dating again?” and i puked on their shoes. The idea of being with someone else sounded horrific to me...I couldn't imagine feeling that why again. ! i spent time alone, learning how to enjoy my own company again. i saw old friends who let me word vomit all over them and then said, "its so nice to see you again! its been too long." i purchased a car and bragged about it on facebook. i read books that I wanted to read. i watched the TV shows that i wanted to watch. i went to parties...and didn't have worry about how my gf would interact with my friends and vice versa. i talked to my parents on the phone for the first time in nearly a year and went to church. I bought mens underwear, suspenders and Buddy Holly glasses.i started doing push-ups and drinking chocolate protein shakes.  

one morning i sat at my desk and thought simply, "I am Happy"

what happened next was what i like to call "Lesbian Revival".

PRAISE JESUS, HALLELUJAH, I SAW THE LIGHT!. there were girls everywhere,all of them mouth-watering-ly beautiful. i was keenly aware of every woman around me...they were gorgeous and soft and smelled good. Legs and boobs and lips and skin....GAWD who had been keeping these women hidden?? they were funny and clever and graceful. open and caring and sweet. I am reminded of that scene from Bound: Violet and Corky are gettin’ some lovin’  and at some point Corky cries out "i can see again" ...except without the sex. the moment i became "ok" with me again.... could see! women, women as far as the eye could see...and i wanted them all!

            stay tuned for more....Dating Blues!