3.2.12

dating blues:the beginning

It's official, i am EXHAUSTED! one too many failed first dates has me absolutely knackered. I'm not even sure what day it is?  Am I late for a date? I just don't think my brain(or my heart) can take another first date! The past few experiences are a storytellers wet dream. My head is spinning with tales, my fingers ache to type them....but I really am getting ahead of myself. This trek down dating doldrums drive began months ago when my first SERIOUS relationship was suddenly falling apart in a fiery mess.

May 2011:
my phone rang. i heard her special ring-tone, "sweet disposition" by Temper Trap. it always reminded me of the week we had spent together in New York. Those were the days! My heart already knew what she was going to say but was hoping i meant more to her that a phone break up. “not over the phone!” i pleaded.  but, as it went, she chose to break my heart over the phone....(what a pansy!) stating that annoying cop-out, “i just don’t feel this is good for me right now.”  To me that says, “I'm just not into you anymore but am just too chicken shit to just say it.”

but who really knows?? Maybe our relationship had become something that was not good for her...or maybe she was just using that as an excuse...either way...why could she not have told me to my face? It would have been nice to have that common decency afforded to me!
well, there i sat, in Commons Park, crying. A really big, ugly cry! Crying and thinking about all the shitty mcshit-shit she had said during the past couple of weeks...was it all true? was i emotionally stunted? did i not know myself well enough to be in a relationship? i didn't cry much about nearly being disowned by my family, something must be wrong with me, right? did other people think i needed to be babied in social situations? was i really as pitiful a picture as she painted me to be?  i wearily thought,  
"this is going to be a rough couple of months."
AND BOY WERE THEY EVER! i spent a few weeks weeping into my Wheaties,consuming copious amounts of kettle corn and swallowing Tylenol pm like water. I became, for a few weeks, a functioning alcoholic. Caring just enough  to be on time and do the bare minimum. It really was quite lovely. then came the running. i ran for miles, stopping only for work, eat and sleep. pounding out the hurt, i listened to wild dub-step and screamed at random intervals causing passersby much alarm. I'm sure my neighbors were pleased when my obsession with singing "Creep" day and night was finally over. Thoughtless well doers said, “Why don't you start dating again?” and i puked on their shoes. The idea of being with someone else sounded horrific to me...I couldn't imagine feeling that why again. ! i spent time alone, learning how to enjoy my own company again. i saw old friends who let me word vomit all over them and then said, "its so nice to see you again! its been too long." i purchased a car and bragged about it on facebook. i read books that I wanted to read. i watched the TV shows that i wanted to watch. i went to parties...and didn't have worry about how my gf would interact with my friends and vice versa. i talked to my parents on the phone for the first time in nearly a year and went to church. I bought mens underwear, suspenders and Buddy Holly glasses.i started doing push-ups and drinking chocolate protein shakes.  
one morning i sat at my desk and thought simply, "I am Happy"
what happened next was what i like to call "Lesbian Revival".

PRAISE JESUS, HALLELUJAH, I SAW THE LIGHT!. there were girls everywhere,all of them mouth-watering-ly beautiful. i was keenly aware of every woman around me...they were gorgeous and soft and smelled good. Legs and boobs and lips and skin....GAWD who had been keeping these women hidden?? they were funny and clever and graceful. open and caring and sweet. I am reminded of that scene from Bound: Violet and Corky are gettin’ some lovin’  and at some point Corky cries out "i can see again" ...except without the sex. the moment i became "ok" with me again.... could see! women, women as far as the eye could see...and i wanted them all!

            stay tuned for more....Dating Blues!


2 comments:

Maria said...

You know, it says a lot that you learned to spend time with yourself and enjoy it. I know so many people who seem to need another person to experience joy, as if they need a conduit or something....

My best times are almost always those spent with myself. But, yes....a beautiful companion does help so much....

HARPER said...

i am glad that i learned(still learning) to enjoy spending time with myself...i can't depend on other people to make me happy simply because they may not always be there...i will always be here. but, indeed, a lovely companion really help! :)