reality bites

Make that Harper and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

    

 this is me today....seriously. it is one goddamn thing after another. 

Blow after blow...my soul is feeling rather bruised and bloody.

I hate when the tears are so close to spilling over that you have to tilt your head back

looking into the harsh florescent lights

blinking faster than beating hummingbird wings to keep them from tumbling over the edge.

and the people keep calling

the people you work endlessly to help

people whose life are WAY shittier than yours

they keep calling

and you start feeling guilty for feeling so shitty when they are in deeper shit than you

and that makes it worse and the tears come back

one misguided blink and they trip over your eyelashes

slide silently over your cheek.

you wonder if you can attribute tears and red eyes to allergies?

marg from IT walks by as you take another call;

squinting at you

you clear your throat to quell the shake in your voice.

and all you want to do is smoke

but you're trying to quit

quitting sucks ass

smoking is such an expensive habit.

you try retreating to the bathroom

there are woman gabbing about t-ball practice and that bitch in accounting

maybe the break room is empty

there are men talking about march madness and that bitch in accounting

you walk outside

the smokers are outside

back to your desk 

you work

all the while watching the clock for quittin' time

then you can go home and cry for real

or eat copious amounts of mac n' cheese

or drink that bottle of bourbon

instead you go home and put on that old, blue cardigan

the one that looks like something dad would have worn in '79

you listen to 

Six Days at the Bottom of the Ocean 

by Explosions in the Sky

anger, frustration, failure and alienation begin to fade

now you are just cold

your body aches for sun

for warmth

for strength

you search the sky for signs of life

i desperately want someone strong and beautiful to sing me this song tonight...but ray will do in a pinch. :) 

dating blues: Giselle #4

i do believe i have a story to finish:

December 2011

 
The following week, after Giselle asked me if would meet her parents, i began to notice a change. I was still enjoying myself with her...whatever it was that we were doing seemed to be progressing. It was when we were not together, i noticed the shift.there was a nagging in the back of my head.subtle at first...so subtle i ignored it.

 
Christmas was coming and i was swamped with work, the holidays and getting ready to see the family(always a blast) .life was a bit of a blur but i tried to make time for nurturing her, us; especially before i went home for Christmas. I went to see her right before leaving for home, bringing a simple, wee gift. She ooo'd and awed over it...ate some of the candy and set it aside. i tried not to notice that she had not thought to get one for me.

   
     She snuggled into my arms and whispered, "I think I'm going to miss you while you are gone." 

my heart soared

     

    "which is strange because...." and here she trailed off mumbling about not liking being monogamous and not really feeling very strongly....

my heart began to sink...i was clearly missing something....

     

     "what?" i asked

    "oh you know...i used to not like being monogamous but i think i am going to miss you while you are gone"

what do those two concepts in common??

   
i had to catch my flight, leaving very confused and pondering her words.

   
The first few days of my holiday, Giselle texted me constantly.

     "omg, i miss you so much"

     "when are coming home?"

     "you are so damn funny...i can't wait to see you again."

     we talked more those first few days than we had the past three months....on one hand my hopes were rising. on the other hand...something was off-kilter.

     and then the texting stopped. almost completely. she had gone to visit her family and was seeing a bunch of old friends. I wasn't expecting her to be in constant contact with me...how selfish! but one text every couple of days?

     i returned to Denver....rarely hearing from Giselle. I had agreed to pick her up from the airport and was looking forward to seeing her...convinced that it would all makes sense once we say each other and could have a real conversation. 

     She was tired and stressed when i picked her up. "why didn't you just wait in the pick up area?" 

     "because i thought it would be nice to pick you up here inside...i can help with your bags..."

     "oh, thanks. i would have just waited out there."

     BLERG!

     I took her home....we went straight to bed. I left early to get to work. 

     Later, we agreed to share pizza and movie with some friends at their house. I showed up wearing the same shirt as she(ON ACCIDENT!). Her friends ribbed us, calling us "those lesbians". Giselle was spunky and cute, holding my hand as i drove, making fun conversation. She spooned me while watching the movie, whispering, "i cant wait to get you home"

      Once at home she complained of a stomach ache and went to bed. I lied awake.

     The next day we chatted off and on throughout work....i was gathering momentum to ask her to clarify a few things for me. As i arrived home, sluffing off my work clothes, she showed up at my door. I was pleasantly surprised and simultaneously troubled. I asked if she was ok? she skirted the question, sat on my couch and watched tv. I made myself dinner, washed dishes, chatted with my roomie...all the while she sat in the living room watching the tube. She ate some of my food, drank some of my vodka and then laid on my bed for two hours. 

      At long last, she yawned and said, "well, i need to get going but i did come here to say something to you."

      My hear was in my throat...i already knew what she was going to say.

      It took her at least ten minutes of hemming and hawing, sighing and crying to say these words:

      "I just don't feel for you what i feel like i should feel for you."

      "What do you want to feel?" i asked

      "Yearning"   ??? ugh

      I sat in silence for a while...not sure what to say next...my tongue was tied with the confusion of the last few weeks. 

      ":i don't want to overstay my welcome...you know you can kick me out whenever you want, right"

       "Yes, of course," i said, "its my house, i know that i can kick you out whenever i want. I'm trying to decide if i have anything to say to you or not."

        A few trite break-up phrases, a few tears and a few more minutes of silence and she got up to leave. She requested a hug and i said something rude about women always wanting a hug after they've broken up with you. 

         And she was gone. I have heard hide nor hair from her since.

         note from the present: this seems a particularly confusing post...but it portrays the pure confusion of the time i hope

dating blues: giselle #3

lets just get right to it shall we?
(thanks for the well-wishes btw, i think i have re-entered the land of the living!)

giselle #3

we began to see each other fairly frequently; partaking in all those sickeningly cute date things:
ice cream and window shopping
making out on the couch until one in the morning
hiking; sitting at the top for hours talking, getting sunburned
drinking cheap wine and kissing in street
playing billiards with a group of collage boys(i like to think we CREAMED them)
we danced
we laughed
we cuddled
we met each others friends:
     she charmed everyone with her smile and infectious happiness
     her friends laughed at my jokes and ooo'd over my gold star status
she was nervous and cautious about sleeping together...i waited patiently (no really!) until she was ready.
it was worth the wait
i made her chocolate chip pancakes, she told me i was incredible
    i told her she was beautiful. she kissed me, chocolate still on her lips

she became my champion while i vied three men for a promotion at work
i became her rock as she dealt with family crisis and health issues
we volunteered on thanksgiving; were late to dinner due to mad, passionate shower sex

we had decided not to rush into labeling whatever it was we had going...
     at one point she said, "are you my girl?"
     i answered by singing "My Girl" by The Temptations
     she fit perfectly in my arms as we slow danced

she would roll over in the night, wrap around her legs around me and whisper in my ear "you are amazing"


her very catholic, very Puerto Rican parents where coming to town. sh asked me if i would be willing to meet them. i was beyond surprised but agreed....
and somehow, a shift began....

dating blues: giselle #2

I haven't been out of my apartment in almost thirty-hours. Fever, chills and a racking cough have been waging war on my body....it's been a real blast. this morning i decided i couldn't stand another minute in the apartment with the dogs, my roommate and her stationary bike(that thing is loud!),  so i ventured out. i am already exhausted from my three block walk to the local coffee shop...obviously i have not won the war yet. 

but let me not wander too far from my purpose here today:

giselle #2

giselle invited me to her place for dinner a few days after our first date. she couldn't really cook she said, but wanted to me to meet some of her friends (already!?)

i met up with some friends a few days before to discuss our love lives over sweet potato fries and frosty pints of cider. we talked endlessly about our expectations for our upcoming dates. a hug, a kiss, a lay...we each represented various degrees of expectation. at the end of the night we decided on the best way to communicate whether our expectation were realized. (i'm not sure why we could not have just called or texted one another)...but we decided that posting to face book (in code of course) was the best course of action. our code of choice ? "The back of your head is ridiculous", a line from the Mad TV sketch "Can i have your number?" (god, we are an odd bunch!)

A few days before i was to go over to her house, Giselle texted that none of her friends would be able to show...it would be just me and her. how exhilarating ! my excitement increased....i found myself waiting impatiently, again, to see her.

I showed up at her house, seven on the dot, as we had planned. I was feeling a bit disheveled, having come straight from work. She put me at ease, placing a drink in my hand and cooing over the homemade chocolate cookies i had brought (she happened to be IN LOVE with chocolate). She had some chicken marinating and was trying to decide which vegetables to cook. It didn't seem as though she did not know how to cook...but she confessed (in increments) how her roommates had helped her with what to cook, how to cook it and for how long. she was definitely uneasy in the kitchen. She was adorable. I tried to help a little but didn't want to make her feel bad so let her figure it out on her own mostly. Finally, we ate (closer to eight than seven) and this boi was starved. I scarfed her food, which she thought was amazing, and raved about her marinated chicken. We tidied up the kitchen together.

Afterwards, we moved to the living room where we collapsed onto the couch, knees touching. At this point, i began to falter. I was having trouble gauging whether or not she was actually enjoying herself. I was being myself, laughing and telling funny stories...she would respond with "oh my god, stop" or "oh my god, your so funny" but she was also sighing a lot. I interpreted these sighs as boredom. i usually don't have much trouble reading a gals signals...but this evening i was. i shifted closer to her on the couch, she moved closer, then abruptly moved back. i stayed put hoping she mosey back on over....but then her dog would jump in between us...taking up the entire couch...a veritable cock block if you will. (can i say that?) frustration was setting in. i kept wanting to make a move but was thrown off by all of the bored sighs. i was enjoying getting to know her but was not sure if it was mutual.

i began making moves to leave.
she said, "yeah, its getting late. you'd probably better go" BAD SIGN!
she walked me to my car. GOOD SIGN
"i really enjoyed myself tonight" she whispered. GOOD SIGN
"but um...." BAD SIGN
AH! I was so confused!
She was so beautiful standing there in there in the street light. a light wind blowing her perfume all over me....
I was in the process of deciding to make a move despite her conflicting signals...when she took my face in her hands and kissed me. softly, slowly.
ladies and gents, i felt that kiss all the way to my toes.
I moved closer to her, my hands gently pressing her to me. she clasped her arms around my neck, sighing as she relaxed into me...    "now this is what all that sighing was about!" i thought to myself.
it was a simple kiss, not too long not to short...perfect and sweet.
she muttered something about taking it slow, not wanting to rush into anything, not wanting to get hurt.
(yadda yadda, she could have said she believed that elephants perched in trees like the parrots and i wouldn't have cared...i was still caught up in the kiss.)
i agreed with her, of course, it was only the second date after all! I was not about to be the typical dyke and bring my u-haul to the next date...
we said goodnight, as girls do, with a lingering hug and whispered tones...as she turned to go she gave a little scream of excitement and nearly skipped to her door. I drove home with the windows down, music blaring...with a grin i could not wipe away and her taste on my lips.

"the back of your head is ridiculous"

Dating Blues:Giselle #1

after a hot and heavy evening of washing dishes and folding clothes, i am curled up in bed with a very sore throat, a very restless puppy and a very soulful Patsy Cline. 

happy fucking valentines day

but, lets not dwell here...lets talk about Giselle. 

that will be much more fun. 

September 2011

Tuesday finally came...i was feeling quite dapper in my best fall weather sweater, Levi's and chucks. I waited at the bar for a woman i barely knew...who i could only recognize from bite size photos on an online dating service...what was i thinking?!!? When she arrived,however, Giselle put a silly smirk on my face immediately. She walked in grinning, an informal "hey there" slipped off her tongue and tickled my ears...have i mentioned how sexy her voice was? damn, she was cute, with her curly hair and little specs....her olive skin and wide eyes. and, by some miracle, she was just about an inch shorter than me (a miracle because i be real, real short). she refused all first date conversation so we spent our time sharing difficult coming out stories, gushing over the sheer joy of thrifting and just how many Steven Segal movies are there really? we agonized over how hard it is to find decent dates...

"but" she said, "i think i may have finally found someone decent."

a few hours later, i walked her to her car...and stole a quick hug...she was soft and smelled oh so good.

she giggled as she got into her car, excited to tell her friends that she may have just met a pretty neat gal. i walked home, light as a feather and bubbling over with excitement. i had no expectation other than i really wanted to see her again.
next time on dating blues: giselle #2!

dating blues: lookin' for love

and now...back to DATING BLUES:

September 2011:

    the time had come to create my online dating profile....i spent an inordinate amount of time fashioning the obligatory "about me" section: likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses, basically my life story in 1000 characters. easy, right? PFFFFT! I wasted away many an hour picking out the best photos...nature shots, action shots, smiling coquettishly into the camera shots and of course...pet shots. I probably revised my profile ten times before publishing it...absolutely no typos or grammar mistakes allowed! I really was taking it all quite seriously!

    finally my profile was complete and ready for viewing. I pressed "publish" and waited for the onslaught of messages to raid my inbox...

    suffice it to say...my inbox was rather bare for quite some time...until i realized that online dating wasn't much different than walking into a bar...waiting for someone to approach me was a ridiculous notion. so, i winked, and flirted and messaged....poked and IM'd and chatted. There were pages and pages of "your matches"...i browsed them carefully looking for ms. right. 

    One of the first profiles that really caught my eye was of a Beautiful Butch i will call "Cielo" which in Spanish means "sky or heaven". from her blurb it sounded as though Cielo was beyond smart...she talked about abandoned buildings, being comfortable with herself and quantum physics. It was the quantum physics that really hooked me....i began revisiting the subject convinced i would have an intelligent conversation about quantum physics with her at some point. i perused her photos, completely floored by one in particular. She look as if she had just stepped out of the movie "Grease", wearing a tight white tee, hair in a pompadour and sporting a sleek, little mustache. damn if that wasn't hot...oh and did i mention her eyes? the most vivid green you have ever seen...i felt a little lost in them. a bit dramatic? a bit...but i couldn't help myself. i was also was a little mystified...i haven't been attracted to many butch women in my life...but was certainly attracted to this gal. so, out of my comfort zone i crept...vowing to message her the next day when i had time to write an amazing email that blow her away. the next day i logged on and searched for her profile: "this profile does not exist"   WHAT?? i searched high and low for Cielo and could not find her. where the hell had she gone...was  i typing in her username wrong? Jesus! She had disappeared and i was disappointed! BLERG! i did not know, however, that that was not the last I would see of Cielo...(how's that for foreshadowing?) 

    One disappointment down, a million gazillion to go: I chatted with quite a few other chicas before finally setting up an ice cream date with "Samantha". a massage therapist with a St. Bernard. 

     My coworker,"eva" advised "you should try to get a free massage out of this date!" 

   "yes, of course." i replied, " I'll just casually ask 'what's your favorite ice cream? by the way, can i have a free massage?' " right...

     I didn't have the chance to ask for a fucking free massage. As i was heading out she sent me this highly annoying text "i may be late....i stopped by this tattoo shop and the wait is about forty-five minutes long" (WHAT THE FUCK?!) to which i stupidly replied, "oh, ok...no worries". twenty minutes later she texted again..."i don't think i'm going to make it...the wait here is really long and my parents decided not to take care of my dog today...sooooo" to which i also stupidly replied "maybe we can reschedule..." her reply? "k". (OH MY GOD?) to which i DID NOT reply.

     Back i went to "the site"...chatting up a few other lovely ladies. Including one "questioning nineteen year old" whose favorite subject to talk about was The Holocaust (how depressing).

     I was starting to get frustrated when "Giselle" swept into my inbox. To use a cliche it was like a breath of fresh air! Giselle was funny and clever...beyond adorable...and Puerto Rican (for those of you who have never dated a Puerto Rican...PLEASE DO!) She had long curly hair and glasses, two traits i cannot resist. Her subject lines were random and hilarious: "the cat is stuck in the underwear drawer again" and other such silliness. We messaged daily...texted frequently and finally spoke on the phone. What a sexy, husky voice she had! After a few days we agreed to meet on Tuesday at "Double Daughters" downtown.

       I waited, impatiently, for Tuesday...

to be continued

    

Pause for important message

I have decided to let myself have a RANDOM BITCH FEST once a week. IF and only IF i also counteract that with a RANDOM THANKFULNESS PARTY...so here you are, folks.
RANDOM BITCH FEST #1:
1. It snowed over two feet this past weekend, it just started snowing again and my pansy ass little car is definitely stuck in a snow drift...great.
2. In an effort to be kind, i tried to help a guy push his car out of a snow bank and in so doing set my YUMMY FUCKING YUMMY take-out box of vegan amazing-ness in an adjacent pile of snow...into which a dumb ass slammed his car thus obliterating my vegan po-boy.  

3. my best gal, Shelby the goat-faced dog is sick...not only is she sick, she "got" sick all over my apartment...the apartment smells like death and she is looking pretty peeked herself :(
4. I just realized that every single damn work shirt i own has a stain of dubious origins right around the first button hole...fml!

RANDOM THANKFULNESS PARTY #1:
1. The communal laundry facilities in my building actually worked this evening meaning i have super warm, clean sheets to sleep in tonight. its the little things
2. even though my pooch is sick, she is amazingly soft and cuddly and running in her sleep...how fucking adorable.
3. the roomie finally got rid of her wine bottle collection(which was borderline hoarder style) AND the god-awful, shit brown, elephant sized ottoman she kept around for god knows what reason...there is so much extra room in the living area i could actually break dance in there if i wanted to.
4. i found out this morning that in two months time, i will be facilitating a one on one training session with the most beautiful woman in the office...i have decided that during that time she will see the error of her straight ways and join me on the "dark" side...how fucking exciting.

for more dating blues...please stay tuned

dating blues:what next?

September 2011:

in my refreshing state of lesbo revival, i began to think about how on earth was i going to approach dating this time...

past approaches have left much to be desired...

dating in college (christian college for me!) inevitably leads to the "passionate friendship". how i hate "passionate friendships"...they always leave you pining after the pussy that got away. you know the one, "i really care about you, but i just don't think i can go that far. The Bible says that’s wrong!”   NICE   -.-

in my barista years, dating customers eventually led to this conversation:

her, "so, i used to be a stripper."

me, “OK, that i can definitely work with. “

her, "oh, and my husband helped me pick out my outfit for this date. do you like it?"

me, “I'm sorry what did you just say?”

her, "yeah, my husband is really supportive of me...you'd like him. would you like to meet him?

" husband?“ i whisper.

"yeah, he's a cop!"

I clear throat nervously, “oh dear god. is that my phone?”

always a fun one!

dating family friends is always awkward...especially when the break-up happens. someone is going to lose an entire social network of friends and family, which is heartbreaking...and that someone is usually me. (poor little me)

so...what am i left with? cruising bars for a possible love interest? as soon as i enter a bar...my mouth drys up cotton style and lucid thought escapes me.. i am terrified to make that first move...something stupid like, "did it hurt when you stepped on that rake?...i mean when you fell from... wait...do the angles miss you? uh,i think i may have my cliche's mixed up" will come spilling out of my mouth...making any later romantic encounter impossible.

i could join the local women's rugby team...I hear that they could all be queer...what a great way to network... until someone breaks a leg or tears a rotator cuff.  i am just a scrawny wee broad...have you seen women rugby players? they are strong, brick like women who could break me...i like being able to walk.

WHATS LEFT?!? i ask my roommate, who is currently updating her online dating profile. she smirks at me, "well duh, online dating. how else are you going to meet people...you can PRESCREEN!"

WHATS LEFT?!? i ask my co-workers - "have you tried online dating? my brother’s wife's cousin found her partner online...and there’s that gay guy in accounting...he found his boy toy online...everyone is doing it!”

What's LEFT?!? i ask Shelby the goat-faced dog. her answer? "my friend Fido down at the dog park found his soul-mate on dog n' dates.com...he is very happy."

“OK, OK! i get the point!” i murmured.

and so set about to creating a online dating profile...

dating blues:the beginning

It's official, i am EXHAUSTED! one too many failed first dates has me absolutely knackered. I'm not even sure what day it is?  Am I late for a date? I just don't think my brain(or my heart) can take another first date! The past few experiences are a storytellers wet dream. My head is spinning with tales, my fingers ache to type them....but I really am getting ahead of myself. This trek down dating doldrums drive began months ago when my first SERIOUS relationship was suddenly falling apart in a fiery mess.

May 2011:

my phone rang. i heard her special ring-tone, "sweet disposition" by Temper Trap. it always reminded me of the week we had spent together in New York. Those were the days! My heart already knew what she was going to say but was hoping i meant more to her that a phone break up. “not over the phone!” i pleaded.  but, as it went, she chose to break my heart over the phone....(what a pansy!) stating that annoying cop-out, “i just don’t feel this is good for me right now.”  To me that says, “I'm just not into you anymore but am just too chicken shit to just say it.”

but who really knows?? Maybe our relationship had become something that was not good for her...or maybe she was just using that as an excuse...either way...why could she not have told me to my face? It would have been nice to have that common decency afforded to me!

well, there i sat, in Commons Park, crying. A really big, ugly cry! Crying and thinking about all the shitty mcshit-shit she had said during the past couple of weeks...was it all true? was i emotionally stunted? did i not know myself well enough to be in a relationship? i didn't cry much about nearly being disowned by my family, something must be wrong with me, right? did other people think i needed to be babied in social situations? was i really as pitiful a picture as she painted me to be?  i wearily thought,  

"this is going to be a rough couple of months."

AND BOY WERE THEY EVER! i spent a few weeks weeping into my Wheaties,consuming copious amounts of kettle corn and swallowing Tylenol pm like water. I became, for a few weeks, a functioning alcoholic. Caring just enough  to be on time and do the bare minimum. It really was quite lovely. then came the running. i ran for miles, stopping only for work, eat and sleep. pounding out the hurt, i listened to wild dub-step and screamed at random intervals causing passersby much alarm. I'm sure my neighbors were pleased when my obsession with singing "Creep" day and night was finally over. Thoughtless well doers said, “Why don't you start dating again?” and i puked on their shoes. The idea of being with someone else sounded horrific to me...I couldn't imagine feeling that why again. ! i spent time alone, learning how to enjoy my own company again. i saw old friends who let me word vomit all over them and then said, "its so nice to see you again! its been too long." i purchased a car and bragged about it on facebook. i read books that I wanted to read. i watched the TV shows that i wanted to watch. i went to parties...and didn't have worry about how my gf would interact with my friends and vice versa. i talked to my parents on the phone for the first time in nearly a year and went to church. I bought mens underwear, suspenders and Buddy Holly glasses.i started doing push-ups and drinking chocolate protein shakes.  

one morning i sat at my desk and thought simply, "I am Happy"

what happened next was what i like to call "Lesbian Revival".

PRAISE JESUS, HALLELUJAH, I SAW THE LIGHT!. there were girls everywhere,all of them mouth-watering-ly beautiful. i was keenly aware of every woman around me...they were gorgeous and soft and smelled good. Legs and boobs and lips and skin....GAWD who had been keeping these women hidden?? they were funny and clever and graceful. open and caring and sweet. I am reminded of that scene from Bound: Violet and Corky are gettin’ some lovin’  and at some point Corky cries out "i can see again" ...except without the sex. the moment i became "ok" with me again.... could see! women, women as far as the eye could see...and i wanted them all!

            stay tuned for more....Dating Blues!